CURRY BEAR

I finally got a chance to see the movie Kites. Honestly speaking, I read some mixed reviews about this movie and was hoping it would be a total dud so I could poke fun of it. I was hoping it would be another Kuch Kuch Hota Hai so I can write a retarded FAQ on it. Sadly, I was actually surprised that the movie wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be. In fact, I might say that in terms of Bollywood standards, it’s actually a decent flick. It is not something truly original, but it is something new for Bollywood. I saw two versions of this movie – the US and Indian version. The US version is shorter with no song sequences. I personally liked the US version better, which was edited by Brett Ratner. I mean seriously, this guy just got paid to edit a movie for the non-Indian crowd. I’m actually hoping that more movies like Kites come out and try to aim for an international market. Kites, though it’s a good movie, could have been slightly better if it had just improved a few things here and there.

I’ll give you the plot summary. Don’t read this stuff if you hate spoilers. Alright so our hero is Hrithik Roshan, who plays Jay. Jay is a dance teacher, but he used to do odd jobs like sell people pop corn, sell pirated movies and occasionally marry a woman for money so she can get her green card. One of his dance students, Gina, is a CPB (crazy psycho bitch). She falls in love with him and becomes a stage 5 clinger. At first Jay kicks her out of his house when she breaks in. But then he decides to let her touch his penis after learning she is loaded. Gina is the daughter of Bob Grover, the only desi casino owner in Vegas. He also has a son named Tony. Tony is engaged to Natasha. Natasha’s real name is actually Linda, and she was one of the women Jay married for money. Still with me so far? Jay becomes part of the family now, but still decides to make moves on Linda. One night, Tony comes to Linda’s place and starts abusing her. Jay steps in, they both kick Tony’s ass and escape. After this point, Jay and Linda are on the run. They also somehow manage to fall in love despite not being able to speak each other’s language. Jay can’t speak Spanish and Linda ONLY speaks Spanish. I guess it’s easier to love a bitch when you don’t understand her annoying yapping. They also rob a bank, escape from the cops, steal some more money and destroy a lot of cars. They keep running until they make it back to Linda’s home. They get married. Then Tony comes back on the day they get married. Poor Jay. He doesn’t even get time to enjoy some sucky-sucky. But that’s life. One minute you got a Spanish hottie riding your penis, and the next minute a bullet is piercing through your back. They try to escape from Tony and his goons. Linda locks up an injured Jay into a train. She then decides to take a truck and distract Tony. Jay eventually heals and tries to find out what happened to Linda. Well guess what? Linda took the truck and drove off a fucking cliff. And she did it in style too by rocking a Vera Wang wedding dress. Then as you expect it, Jay decides to go to the same cliff and jump into the ocean. The end.

Ok so here are some comments/things I found annoying about Kites in certain scenes.

Scene: Everyone is gathered for dinner at Bob’s ridiculous huge house for Tony and Linda’s engagement. Jay wants to tell Linda that they should divorce because they’re still legally married. Since Jay can’t speak Spanish, he calls his Spanish speaking friend and asks him how to translate a really long sentence.
- Ok seriously Jay. Have you not heard about Google? Just type the sentence and it will translate stuff for you. It might even suggest some decent divorce attorneys in the results.

Scene: Linda and Jay are alone together. Linda tells him why she is with Tony and Jay tells her why he’s with Gina. The answer is simple – money. They both talk about the expensive things they’ve received. Linda says she has a necklace worth $5000. Jay says he received a $15000 watch and a $40,000 car.
- The problem I have with this is that a Bentley doesn’t cost $40,000.

Scene: Tony drops off Linda at her own apartment in his car. Jay is right behind him in a Bentley at the end of the street waiting for Tony to leave so he could see Linda.
- Come on man. How conspicuous should a person be when he’s doing something he’s not supposed to? Tony could have easily seen Jay in the rear view mirror driving the Bentley given to him by his own father. I mean I’m no expert in taking another man’s wife, but I know that if I’m going to visit her, I’d at least park my car a few blocks away and walk to her place. And even then I’d hide in the bushes somewhere like a sniper waiting for the husband to leave. But what do I know, I’m just a guy who suffers from common sense syndrome.

Scene: Jay and Linda are being chased by cops in cars. Jay somehow manages to out maneuver trained police officers in a pickup truck. Then he tells Linda to get in a hot air balloon. Next, Jay himself gets on the hot air balloon while driving the truck by hanging on to its doors and jumping onto a rope hanging from the balloon. The cops are on the ground shooting at the basket that holds people in the hot air balloon, which looks like it was made out of a haystack.
- You know, if cops were really this dumb, there’d be a lot more crime in the world. Not only do these cops don’t know how to take out one pickup truck, but they don’t know what to shoot at. Hey cops, how about you shoot at the balloon instead of the people that are in the basket? I am no Physicist, but I’m pretty sure a hot air balloon with holes won’t fly. If you’ve seen real cops in action on World’s Wildest Police videos, you know the tactics they use to take out bad guys. But the cops in this movie are slower than the public safety cops on a college campus. I’d buy it if Jay was able to take out one cop car, but he’s shown here taking out half of the Las Vegas PD by himself.

Scene: Jay and Linda are on a bike, once again being chased by cops. They get on a highway and are getting shot at. Jay manages to get Linda and himself off the bike and on to a moving trailer. It’s one of those trucks they use to transport cars. Once they’re both safely on the truck, Jay launches a bunch of cars at the cops to take them out. They both eventually escape by getting into a car and driving it off the truck.
- There are so many things wrong in this scene. First, the cops shoot at the bike and a bullet somehow manages to hit the area near the sidestand but miss Jay and Linda’s leg. That’s some good aim. That cop must play a lot of Call of Duty. Now the next part – the cars being launched from the truck. Jay launches one car on the road. It is an orange VW Beetle and it falls, tumbles and hits a cop car. Alright, so by now you’d think the cops have figured out what Jay’s strategy is and they can avoid it. Jay launches a second car. More cop cars slam into the 2nd dropped car on the highway. Then he drops a 3rd car, and again two more cop cars slam into it. Where in America will you find such dumb cops? I’m almost meant to believe that when a cop is driving a car and another car comes rolling his way from a far distance, he can’t swerve to the right to avoid it because that is physically impossible. Even though he has plenty of time to turn his wheel, he just can’t. Oh, and then Jay manages to get in a car, lower the trailer’s ramp and drive off the truck like he’s Knight Rider. All this time, the truck driver (who was shown wearing headphones), doesn’t know a damn thing. I want to know what brand of headphones that truck driver was wearing that allowed him to ignore the Battle of Normandy that was taking place behind him.

Scene: Jay and Linda rob a bank, but only take $200.
- I don’t have an issue with stealing only $200 because they explain why they took such a small amount in the scene. I have a problem with what happens afterwards. Jay and Linda somehow manage to find a hotel, get some food and buy nice clothes. Oh, and Jay also buys himself a nice fedora.

Scene: Jay finally meets up with his friend Robin, the Indian guy who can talk in Spanish. They both come up with a ploy to get money from Tony. So Robin calls up Tony and tells him he knows where Jay and Linda are and wants money in return. Tony asks Robin how much money he wants. Tony says, “I will give you $20,000″. Then he ups the offer to $1 million. He finally settles with $2 million.
- Tony might be Indian, but he definitely doesn’t have any Indian bargaining skills. How do you go from an offer of $20,000 to $1 million? When I’m bidding for something on E-Bay, even if the item is only a $1.00, I still increment my bids in pennies.

Scene: At the very end of the movie, Jay is standing in the rain facing Tony and his men. He takes out a machine gun and starts shooting while Tony and his men fire back.
- Ok fine, I can understand how a machine gun can be used to spray bullets at a bunch of people. I can also understand how a bunch of men can shoot at one man standing by himself and still miss since I’ve fired a gun. What I can’t understand is how one man with a machine gun spraying bullets manages to kill everyone but the one guy he needs alive. I mean, shit he even killed a dude in the car. But Tony, he just gets shot with one bullet because he can’t be killed just yet!

Also, this is not just an issue with Bollywood, but Hollywood too. When firing a machine gun, you’d be surprised how fast you can use up one clip. In movies, people keep firing a machine longer than it takes a woman to have an orgasm. In reality, this is how long it should really take you to fire a machine gun.

Hrithik Roshan sings a song in English.
- Dear lord I hope this doesn’t catch on. Bollywood actors should just stick to acting, or at the very least singing songs only in Hindi. There’s a reason why nobody listens to Bruce Willis’ songs.

How can two people fall in love without speaking the same language?
- You know, I was baffled by this too. I wondered if that could happen in real life. But then I remembered the time I was able to negotiate with a Costa Rican hooker a price of $100 for 1 hour. But my love lasted only twenty minutes and the love in this movie is supposed to be eternal. Isn’t being able to communicate important if it’s going to be one of them forever romances? Maybe it’s easier to love someone when you spend most of your time using the English-Spanish dictionary instead of fighting over why the toilet seat is up.

Perhaps there should be another version of Kites remixed by Curry Bear. Rakesh Roshan, if you’re reading this, I’m just saying I could remix this movie for you. And I’ll do it for less than what I paid that Costa Rican hooker.