CURRY BEAR

Mark my words Stephen Colbert: You will rue the day you labelled bears as the number one threat to America! Bears all across the country will unite (except for Pooh bear) to eat your raw flesh. To clarify, bears are not any threat to human beings. Let me tell you kids a little thing or two about bears:

Bears are gentle creatures who live a solitary life but sometimes live in temporary groups when there is plenty of food (or pussy) in an area. Bears often leave their parents to live on their own and use their excellent memory to remember their tracks. Fat bears such as polar bears and large brown bears can’t climb trees, but other bears can. Most bears are shy and easily firghtened of humans. However, polar bears and grizzly bears pose a threat to humans, especially if they’ve grown used to them. To be fair though, most of these people are pedophiles from NBC’s “To Catch a Predator.” The only thing bears defend is their offspring and food. If you leave your garbage out and a bear goes through it, don’t fuck with the bear! Getting between a bear and his food is a lot worse than crossing a black man in a buffet line. If however, you do come in close proximity with a bear, back away slowly and with a loud calm tone so the bear is aware of you. The age old suggestion of lying down and playing dead may work if the bear has no interest in you. This suggestion also works with desi drama queens. Another way to outsmart a bear is to create obstacles while you’re running away from the bear. Obstacles frustrate bears when they’re chasing you and they become disinterested.

Here’s the clip of Stephen Colbert dissing bears as usual. Thanks to reader PK for sending the clip in: