CURRY BEAR

Curry Bear has always been a big promoter of teenage sex. Or people sex in general. And now Curry Bear’s beliefs are backed up by scientists. Whenever scientists come out and say something new, Curry Bear listens. When they said milk was bad for you, Curry Bear stopped drinking milk. Then when they said milk is good, he started drinking it again. Now Curry Bear’s biggest fear has come true: A recent study has found that if you don’t have sex at an early age, you’re more likely to have sexual dysfunction problems later.

Here are some quotes from the article:

“According to researchers at Columbia University and the New York State Psychiatric Institute’s HIV Centre for Clinical and Behavioural Studies, men who lose their virginity in their 20s, in particular, seemed to be more likely to experience sexual problems that include difficulty becoming sexually aroused and reaching orgasm.”

Fact: Curry Bear & Chuck Norris lost their virginity on the day they were born. But not to each other.

However, to be fair, saving your virginity is not the only factor that could lead to sexual problems.

Eli Coleman, academic chair in sexual health at the University of Minnesota Medical School Programme in Human Sexuality, said, “From a clinical standpoint, there are often dynamics other than the desire to be abstinent until marriage, such as fear of intimacy, body image problems, alcohol and drug abuse, and sexual dysfunction. He adds that these factors “might influence the delay of sexual debut as a means of avoiding sexual issues.

But if you ever needed a reason to lose your virginity, you may have one. Now you can finally use this article along with some cognitive dissonance to go ahead and do the dutty dutty.

Some of Curry Bear’s fan-mail includes letters from teenage girls who want to have sex with Curry Bear. Curry Bear would like to please all these girls but unfortunately having sex with bears is still illegal in many states. If there is one advice Curry Bear can give to young girls, it’s the following:

1. If you’re going to have sex, make sure it’s with a decent guy who is not going to “hit it and quit it”. You many not end up marrying your Freshmen year college boyfriend, but hey you gotta start somewhere.

2. Be smart and use protection, because even though abortion jokes are funny (aaah Payal, we miss making fun of you), no one should have to come to that point in life because some guy named Ronak told you he wanted to stick his wee-wee in you for 3 seconds without a condom. All character names used in this example are fictional and do not resemble any person in real life. True story though.

As for the guys, well if you can sit here in the next 5 minutes and masturbate to this fully clothed picture of Adriana Lima, you’ll do just fine.