If you were to think that Cricket is India’s favorite past time, you would be wrong. India has a pastime even older than cricket and it’s called stalking. Brown people love to stalk. I guarantee you right now that if you are an even half-way decent looking girl, you are being stalked by 4 guys. As you are reading this, 3 of those guys are going through your Facebook picture while one is standing outside your window jerking off. Don’t believe me? Go look. I’ll wait right here……………….

Oh well, he must have heard you coming or else you would have heard him coming. But believe me, he was there. The sad truth is you can name at least 5 friends of yours that have been stalked in the past. Curry Bear himself has been stalked many times. Just by search results I get from Google, I can tell how many people are stalking me. I was stalked by girls even before I fell in a toxic waste dump and became Curry Bear. Yes, being stalked is not something that just happens to girls. Guys get stalked just as often, if not more so.

Sometimes a crazy ex-girlfriend will go on a different screen name and talk to you to see what you will say about her. Sometimes she will be on her friends screen name or e-mail you from another account. Often these girls will become friends with your friends and family members just so they can get into your inner circle. This is because she wants you in her inner circle, if you know what I mean.

Guy stalkers are less direct. They will follow you places, look up information about you and just observe you from a distance. Maybe even leave you notes, send you creepy e-mails or send flower to your dorm room on Valentine’s Day anonymously. The reason there are so many brown stalkers may have to do with Bollywood movies. You see, Bollywood is a world where these guys are not seen as stalkers, but secret admirers. I must admit, there was a time where I use to get off on the 6th floor of my dorm and walk two flight of stairs in hopes of running into Hima. Oh, Hima where have you gone?! You actually made me loose 4 lbs that semester, by taking the stairs. However, some people just take it way too far.

Brown people are into stalking like Canadians are into Hockey. I don’t know if every desi person deep down thinks they are Batman and want to sharpen their detective skills or if they were just inspired by Shah Rukh Khan’s acting in Darr. All I know is, you will never catch me singing about some crazy bitch name K-K-K-K-Kiran.

I’ve met many stalkers over the years. A lot of them I’ve met through study groups. I’m so glad I don’t have friends like these guys. It’s amazing what people will say to justify their stalking. Here are some lines I’ve heard from these guys, which puts them in the category of stalker:

“Dude she loves me man. She just doesn’t know it yet.”
“I’m going to the cafeteria. She’s about to get out of her Macro Economics class and get food from Taco Bell. If I time it right I’ll be right behind her in line.”
“She loves me so much..that her brain couldn’t handle it so it forced her to forget. That’s why i remind her every day.”
“I’m so not stalking her. I just follow her around and hope that she starts a conversation.”

Stuff Brown People Like: Hookah (Sheesha)

A past-time, a social activity, and maybe even an art, Indians nationwide quickly get excited when sighting a hookah that is available to smoke. It is not uncommon to find Indians herded around an elegant glass water pipe, earnestly puffing away at the hose or awaiting their turn with bated breath. The popularity of hookah smoking rises from its twofold purpose within the brown community. First, it is an excellent way for the Indian to maintain his social life as he comes in the habit of frequenting overcrowded local smoke spots and opening unnecessarily expensive tabs amidst mood lighting and exotic music. This is particularly in vogue as it allows the Indian a successful night out without the pressure of having to demonstrate the newest “Crank that 2 step” or “Lean back and Superman” hip-hop move that would otherwise be expected of him in the club in order to preserve the respect of his peers.

Second, Indians find a way celebrate their heritage through hookah smoking. Despite any disagreements they may have with their culture, hookah/sheesha passes the tests of an acceptable social activity and perhaps most appealing of all, it draws people from other walks of life to join in and celebrate the culture with them. It is generally recommended that non-Indians should acknowledge some form of thanks, however minimal, to their Indian friends for having introduced them to anything with origins in or near South Asia and this most definitely includes hookah. The Indian will welcome all people to enjoy the benefits of what he believes falls under his cultural radar, but non-Indians must not threaten this sense of proprietorship by neglecting his generosity. This will result in the Indian regretting ever showing you how to smoke, pack, or assemble the hookah, as well as feeling a loss of the exclusivity that previously characterized the practice (think Chicken and Rice on 53rd and 6th in NYC).

Depending on your personality and blood alcohol content, you can express your smoking in various ways – shotties, smoke bubble games, or blowing liberal amounts of smoke into a camera with bedroom eyes. In the company of a true hookah enthusiast, it is encouraged to flaunt fluency in tobacco flavors or seek instruction in making the perfect smoke ring. This will impress him, show your willingness to exhale those melon strawberry kiwi molasses in proper sheesha etiquette, and eventually secure a spot in the hookah huddle. Such membership is important: sharing the same pipe with bros and homegirls are usually okay, but uninvited smokers can expect to find passive aggressive resistance from the head hookah honcho who will suddenly find himself beset with sanitary concerns. This Indian is most likely the proud owner of the hookah in question, a multi-hosed water pipe complete with a carry-on case. He has defied dorm room regulations and risked housing suspension for the sake of throwing successful campus parties, events where copious amounts of alcohol are no longer enough. He also boasts unmatched foil poking skills and an uncanny sixth sense for maneuvering around hot coal towers.

However the tying of the suitcase is not the worst part of this wonderful characteristic we display. No, the worst part is when you are in line behind an aunty who has over packed and did not meet the weight requirement. After you have to listen to her explain why she over packed and plead with the flight attendant to let it on the plane anyways, this aunty will do what no white person would ever do. She will sit there on the ground, open up her suitcase and start taking stuff out. Mind you that she will feel no shame in all this because brown people are immune to humiliation at airports. After the strip searches, cavity searches, and the scared looks what more can they do?

Brown people do not believe in weight requirements. We think that our luggage will magically become lighter once it gets to the airport. If Dhalsim can change his weight, why can’t our luggage. If we are coming back from the motherland than most of our suitcases will be filled with fabrics and Sari’s that will sit in our suitcase until they go out of style. While other suitcases will have hundreds of DVDs that we got from India that will not even work. If we are going to the motherland, our bags will be filled with deodorant, ketchup, and shampoo bottles. Over packing is one of those things that brown people love to do but hate to see other people do it. When we over pack and go over the weight requirements and get away with it, we feel like OJ did when he got acquitted. If the suitcase won’t fit, the flight you must miss.

If you ever go to a desi wedding, everyone just runs up to get the food. White people make their guests get up according to their tables. I went to a few desi weddings that “tried” to do the table rule. Well, the white people were the only ones that followed directions so they starved.

When Curry Bear was a cub, his momma bear made him hold her place in line at the supermarket while she picked up about 20 more items. People don’t understand but this is a very traumatic experience for a little kid. I was terrified that I would get to the beginning of the line with no money and I would have to take the walk of shame back to the end of the line. Please people, don’t do this to your kids!!

Amusement parks are another place where brown people love to cut in line. Now it is normal to have one person wait in line and one or two people cut (even two is pushing it). However, brown people take it too far. We will invite a family of 6 to cut us. I don’t know why we do this, but we might as well be in kindergarten calling frontsies and backsies. This is something we are infamous for. If a brown person ever gets caught cutting in line and has a crazy white lady bitch at them, they will just pretend they don’t understand English. The white person will be too lazy to explain and therefore the brown person has already won the battle.

The most common place where I see brown people cutting in line is no doubt a line outside a club. We’ve all seen the ridiculous long line outside a desi party that starts around 10:30 PM and stretches farther than a Nigerian oil pipeline. Although the majority of the crowd will “try” to form a line, a few douchebags will always cut in. They will walk up to the one person they know in the line, do the “wassup” routine, shake hands and introduce their entourage. Next, they will all talk amongst each other for a few minutes while standing in line. If they can keep a conversation going for more than 10 minutes, there is no need to go to the end of the line.

Why do brown people fight? There are several reasons why fights take place at desi parties/desi events. I think brown people have a gene or some chemical imbalance that provokes them to become belligerent in a desi setting. For example, the brain releases a chemical called dopamine when a person falls in love. Similarly, when a brown person is at a desi party or in a congregation full of brown people, the brain releases a chemical to make them easily irked. I call it Dumbamine.

This urge to fight applies to all brown people. It does not matter if you are Indian, Pakistani, or Bangladeshi. There will be a fight if too many of them are together. The West Indian brown people seem to be immune to this trait. It must be all that exposure to weed. The chill Caribbean customs seems to lay these urges dormant. If Indians and Pakistanis had smoked weed in the 1950s, the Kashmir issue would have been solved long ago.

Perhaps brown people think it makes us cool to almost be in a fight or we want to make up for some shortcomings. I don’t understand what we think is going to happen. Do we think some random girl will think to herself “Wow, that guy almost got into a fight and started cursing in Punjabi; he will make a great baby daddy”. That will never happen. All I know is that coming from a nation known for non-violence protests, we have seriously gone astray. I wonder if Gandhi busted a cap in a club in his younger days.

Another thing “Brown people love about fighting at desi parties” is fighting only with other brown people. Yes, we will never fight the random black guy at the party because we know that most likely he can kick our ass. We will also never mess with the white guy at the party because he probably has a good Jewish lawyer. However, to be fair we may be more likely to fight a desi person at a desi party because percentage wise, there will be more brown people at these parties than any other race. However, 9.5 times out of 10 the fight will be between two drunk, belligerent, and retarded brown guys. The .5 is in case there are two desi midgets at a party. Also, none of these fights will ever result in anybody going to the hospital or with any major injuries. The worst thing that results from these fights is that one guy’s Brooklyn cut is all messed up and the other guy needs a new pair of Pumas.

If I were a desi party promoter, I would have a Nintendo Wii at every desi party. If two people decide they want to fight, they’d settle it in a game of Super Smash Brothers Brawl. The winner gets to stay and the loser has to drink Shirley Temples.

If you are a brown person, I guarantee that you can name at least a handful of guys who sport this haircut. The Brooklyn cut is no longer reserved for the Italian kids who hang out at the Jersey shore. The brown people are sporting it like it’s one of those Live Strong bands. However, sporting the Brooklyn cut does not support a cancer cure nor does it help anyone except for the millions of shareholders of Pomade and L.A. Looks hair gel.

The Brooklyn cut involves a lot of blow drying and a lot of hair gel. It takes most guys a total of 20 minutes to style it correctly. Sadly, guys who sport this hairstyle take longer to get ready than their girlfriends. Sometimes it is just easier to stick your penis in an electrical socket and watch your hair spike up instantly.

Brown people like the fact that they have an alternate option of substituting beans into everything at Taco Bell. In fact, Taco Bell had to create special cash registers to allow a “No Beef” selection for the cashier. Saying that brown people like Taco Bell is an understatement. Brown people really do love Taco Bell. They love it so much that they add it as part of their interests on Facebook and MySpace.

When a bunch of Gujju college kids get together, there is always a unanimous decision to go to Taco Bell at midnight while studying for a final exam. This rule is only broken when a Muslim or a non-vegetarian Hindu friend is part of the group. At times Curry Bear will see an entire family out for the night in fancy desi clothes at Taco Bell. When I say family, I mean the parents, the kids, the uncles and even the grandparents. Taco Bell is also cheap, another trait us brown people are known for. Statistics say that 83% of brown people who face the death penalty request bean burritos from Taco Bell as their last meal.

Last year there was an outbreak of E. Coli and it was traced back to the lettuce used at Taco Bell. It was actually traced back to one Taco Bell restaurant in South Plainfield, N.J. South Plainfield is right next to little India (a.k.a Edison). You would think that after such an outbreak people would stop going to the restaurant and they may even shut down the restaurant. But brown people love Taco Bell so much that not only was the particular restaurant in South Plainfield not shut down, but people were there ordering food a week later. Despite the big news about the E. Coli outbreak, people didn’t mind eating there. Taco Bell should thank brown people because after the E. Coli fiasco, it was us brown people that kept it in business. True story. If they closed down Taco Bell tomorrow, the Dow would plunge 5,000 points – and it wouldn’t be because of Taco Bell’s stock. It would be because all the brown people working at Wall Street would spend 4 hours trying to figure out what to eat for lunch and options trading would come to a halt.

So happy eating to all you Taco Bell loving brownies out there. Until next time, may all your tacos be tasty and all your nachos be gnarly.

I think the first thing we need to do is establish the definition of “brown” people. Brown people for our purpose refers to South Asians. We’re not talking about Mexicans, Latinos, Cubans or anybody from a South American nation. Yes, they’re also brown people, but they are often referred to as Latinos or Mexicans. I’m sure someone is already in the process of creating a Stuff Latino People Like website. No one has a copyright on the term “brown people” but Curry Bear is already talking to his lawyer David Lerkowitz to get that term trademarked. If all goes well, Curry Bear will own the term “brown people” the way Nike owns the swoosh.

Now there are a few South Asian countries, but which ones fall under the “brown” department? To me, South Asians fall under 5 categories: Indians, Pakistanis, Bangladeshis, Sri Lankans and Nepalis. As some of you may already know, brown people from any of these countries are referred to as “Desi” people. To my non-brown readers who don’t know a word of Hindi, “Desi” is the term used to refer to a person who is from any of the aforementioned countries. Indians, Pakistanis and Bangladeshis are abundant in this country. Sri Lankans are rare but they do exist. Nepali people are like the desi leprechauns. If you ever find a Nepali person, give them a hug.

I can’t forget about our distant brown cousins in the Western Hemisphere. We have to include Trinis, Guyanese and basically anybody of West Indian descent as brown people. They may have grown up in another part of the world, but their native roots go back to the 5 desi nations. The problem is that these people are such a dark shade of brown that they might as well fall in the black people category. I don’t know why they would choose to be associated with brown people when they clearly have a choice to be black and cool. Our focus will be more towards the desi brown population, but if we can think of something to write about for our West Indian brothers then we will.

Now I’d like to talk about confusion with brown people. On September 11th, over 3,000 Americans lost their lives. For us brown people, there was another tragic outcome – the association with terrorism. It doesn’t matter if you’re a shade of caramel brown or brown like a Cadbury bar. If you’re brown, you’re in the cross hair of the government. Post 9/11, we heard stories of Sikhs getting beaten because some ignorant racist confused them with the Taliban. Desi brown people are not the same as Middle-Eastern brown people. Let me put this in simpler terms so that even white people can understand: If the desi brown people are like the New York Mets, then Middle-Eastern Brown people are like the New York Yankees. Yes, both teams are from New York but you either root for the Yankees or the Mets. Attacking a Sikh person for 9/11 is like beating up Mets third base man David Wright after the Yankees lose a game.

Our goal here is to give people a better understanding of what “brown” people are. In the next few entries of this series, we’ll talk more about things brown people like (hence the title stuff brown people like…so clever we are). If this entry saves another brown person from being attacked for 9/11 hate crime, then Curry Bear will die a happy bear. NOTE: The previous statement was just a figure of speech. Curry Bear can’t die nor can he be killed because he is just too awesome to die.

Update: One of our readers (Dipps you sexy beast you) pointed out in the comments and others as well through several e-mails that C-Bizzle left out Afghanistan as part of the 5 desi nations where brown people come from. Is CB an ignorant fool? Sometimes he is but not for this entry. I left Afghanistan out intentionally. I love Afghani people – I think they make some good kebabs and I love that game they play with a dead goat. However, I don’t want brown people to be associated with Afghanis for a while. For a long while. Like another century or until America stops bombing them. After 9/11 and the whole fiasco with the Taliban, I think Afghanistan falls more with the Middle-East than South Asia. Afghanistan is like that cool geeky friend you had in middle school but then joined a different crowd when high school came around and became a bad boy. Oh Anthony, why did you start hanging out with Travis and leave me behind with the Chess club? But the number one reason I didn’t include Afghanistan was because Afghanis are simply not brown. They’re too albino to be brown. Afghanis have skin that is too fair to be classed as brown. The sun don’t shine on them long enough to be called brown.