So I moved out there and I was the youngest person at this company. I couldn’t even ask people there to go out with me afterwards because they were so old and had kids. I almost wanted to ask if I can hang out with their kids but didn’t because of the off chance I may come off as a pedophile. There would be days that I would literally get up, go to work, come home, eat, and sleep, without literally speaking a word. I was starting to get pretty lonely after a few weeks. I mean this wasn’t like moving to Chicago, NYC, or Cali. Life was boring in this old racist town.

I would see my friend’s facebook profiles and see them in NYC having a great time. In fact it was as if me leaving didn’t really affect them whatsoever. I would come back for a visit and be constantly left out. I didn’t get included in the plans; I didn’t understand the inside jokes, in fact no one even ever called me while I was gone. I was getting really depressed. I spent most of my time working out, playing guitar, and renting movies.

The next day The Dark Knight was coming out. I have never been to a movie by myself but I did not want to miss this movie. So the theater was packed with almost every seat was taken except for two. There was a guy next to them and I asked:

Sam: Hey is this seat taken?
Guy: Yeah my girlfriend is sitting here.
Sam: Oh ok what about the other one?
Guy: Oh you’re here by yourself? That’s weird.

At this point I can add being embarrassed to the list after being depressed. So after I watched the movie, I decided to sign up for this speed dating event. I didn’t expect to find a girlfriend or anything but I was just someone to hang with. So I go to the speed dating event and only 3 of the girls were really pretty and interesting. One girl did PR, one was a teacher, and the other one was a reporter. They asked me about myself and I told them about me along with the embarrassing Dark Knight story. I had them cracking up. The next day I found out who picked me. The PR girl and the teacher picked me but the reporter did not. So the first week I asked out the teacher. She said she’d love to come on a date but could her mom come too? I was like what the fuck? I told her I would call her to reschedule but I never did. I mean she wanted to bring her mom on a date, who does that? So I decided to call up the PR girl and ask her out for the next week. She agreed.

So I go into the office the next day and there is a piece of paper tapped to my computer screen. Apparently the reporter published our entire speed date on her column on speed dating. It wrote about how I got dissed at the theater and that I spend all day playing guitar and watching movies. My co-worker also e-mailed it to everyone who was working on the project with me and everyone back home in my office. I was humiliated. Only good thing was that she mentioned I was cute and entertaining. I assume she went on speed dating for her column and had no intention of meeting anyone. So at least I didn’t feel bad about getting rejected.

So I decided to focus on my date with the PR girl. Now this girl was amazing. I mean she could have been a model. She looked and talked just like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany. Yes, I watched that movie, don’t judge me. So the PR girl and I hung out a few time and we started to really like each other.

Since this girl was in PR she knew everybody in the state. She was popular as hell. So she said its time I meet some of her friends. She takes me out with her friends one night. I go out and it’s one Asian dude, one white girl, and one black girl. The black girl was from Detroit and I got into a fight with her. She was making fun of New Jersey and I told her only thing interesting to come out of Detroit was Robocop and Eminem. After I met her friends the PR girl had to leave to feed her dog or take him for a walk so he doesn’t shit all over her apartment. She bounces and leaves me with these three.

These three people were the most boring people I ever met in my entire life. All they talked about was alcohol, wine, and champagne. I don’t drink so I had nothing to contribute to their conversation. I would make a joke or two and it would totally go over their heads. All three of them were waiters at restaurants. We went bar hopping to all these restaurants and they got everything for free. Apparently people who are waiters/bartenders have this insane underground connection. They get everything for free and they all know each other because they all move from job to job to each bar or restaurant. It was amazing. I was blown away by the intricate network they had. However, I still had nothing to contribute to the conversation so I sat there texting the PR girl to come back. She tells me she is going to this other restaurant and tells me to meet her there. I tell the boring trio that I am out and head to the other restaurant.

So I am there waiting for the PR girl for about half an hour and just sat there at the bar by myself drinking Cranbury juice. I was sitting next to this guy and thought he looked familiar. I thought he was Fabio or some wrestler. I asked the bartender and he tells me that is Kevin Sorbo. Yes, I was sitting in a bar drinking Cranbury juice with Hercules himself. I started talking to him, told him how much I liked the show and that I thought “Meet the Spartans” was hilarious. It wasn’t but c’mon he’s Kevin Sorbo. He told me he was there for a celebrity golf tournament. Then PR girl shows up and it turns out Kevin Sorbo was who she was suppose to meet there. So Hercules, me and the PR girl hung out for a bit. Hercules wanted to go to a club. So PR girl recommended this club. I couldn’t tell if she was into him or it was just her job so I was kind of feeling a little jealous. We went to the club and the boring trio was there. So I am at this club dancing with the three boring people, this girl who I might have a crush on, and Kevin Sorbo. During the night the black girl from the trio has taken a liking to me. She was grinding on me and everything. Honestly, I never was a good grinder. I mean how does it work? Are you supposed to be hard while getting grinded or is that impolite? I don’t know but they were drunk and she would grab my hands and put it on her butt and keep yelling at me to be more aggressive. This was the most fun I had in a long time. I looked for the PR girl to tell her I’m having such a great time but the Asian dude told me she left with Kevin Sorbo. I mean, of course I can’t compete with Hercules, but man I felt kind of bad. So I decided fuck it. I’m going to party like it’s no tomorrow.

The black girl asked me if I can take her home. So during the car ride she’s hitting on me. She’s making the conversation very sexual.

Black girl: You’re a good guy.
Sam: Thanks.
Black girl: I want to corrupt you.
Sam: OK?
Black Girl: Take me to bed.
Sam: I will. Give me your address.
Black Girl: No take me to your bed.

Now this is where I realized this girl wants a one night stand. I thought one night stands only happen in movies, TV shows, and fairy tales. Ok maybe not fairy tales. I didn’t know what to do. I know ever guy would kill for this chance but I’m very paranoid about STDs and getting some chick pregnant. I mean this girl was actually very boring, imagine if I got her knocked up and had to have a life with her. I told her that she’s drunk and I don’t want to take advantage of her so I’m taking her home. She reluctantly gives me her address. We get to her house and she does not leave my car. She said she wants to do it right here in my car. Now I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t want to say, “Hey no thanks you might have STD”. So I thought the rational thing would be to say I don’t have any condoms. She goes she can do get some from her house. I said no that’s OK. So then she offered to well “talk on my phone”. If you don’t know what I mean by talking on my phone well, talking on your phone requires you to use your mouth and so did what she wanted to do. So I literally had those Angel Vs Devil conversations with myself like they do in the cartoon.

Devil: Well see you can’t get pregnant by oral. Remember 7th grade health class?
Angel: Don’t do it man. You don’t know where she has been.
Devil: There are very few STDs you can get by oral and most of them are curable. Go for it. She doesn’t have herpes. Look at her skin; it’s like a fucken Pro Active commercial.
Angel: Do you want to be that guy? Do you want to be the guy who goes and has one night stands? You are better than that.
Sam: You are right. I don’t want to be that guy. I’m not that guy.

Black Girl: Oh I’m sorry. Are you gay? I mean if that’s the case..it be such a waste.

Devil: Oh hell naw you need to let her mouth hug you now.
Angel: Yeah…I got nothing.

Then for a second I thought to myself, “Wait, am I gay?” Then I remembered that I don’t like penises. Except for mines, he’s cool. That was the final straw. She questioned my manhood. I mean I had no girlfriend at the time, no friends, and I was just really lonely. I told myself you know what your deserve this. So I told her no I’m not gay. Let’s do this. So we start making out a bit and she unzips. Then for some reason she asked if I have any chap stick. I thought damn this girl is awesome. Not only does she want to blow me but she wants to make sure her lips are moist enough to enhance the experience. So I tell her it’s in the glove compartment. She puts on some chapstick, and starts feeling me up. Then she looks over at me and says she feels weird. I look at her and her lips looked like as if you take two flip-flops and put them sole to sole. I thought I should tell her something is wrong then the devil came back and said “Naw that’s just black people lips, they get like that when they are turned on, keep going”. I told the devil that was racist and I asked her what happened. She said she didn’t know. She said she thinks it was the chapstick. I look at it and it’s not my chapstick. It’s my tide-to-go pen. When I told her this she starts to vomit in my lap. She had a reaction to it. I immediately take her to the hospital. Then the cops came to talk to me. They thought I might have tried to poison her. They put me in handcuffs and made me wait outside the hospital. Then they came back and took them off because she told them what happened and they believed her. I was relieved. I mean she was really drunk, what if she didn’t remember.

So I never had a one night stand and I have to say that I’m glad. I’m not that person. But not every guy succumbs to these girls because he’s a dog. Some girls just know what to say to a guy to get him to do anything. Sometimes its guilt, sometimes it’s attacking their pride, and sometimes it’s taking advantage of how lonely they are. I feel like if I had a girlfriend it would have been easier to turn her down but who knows. If you don’t want your boyfriend to cheat on you these three things will help a lot.

1. Stop with the guilt trips. The guy will become so used to feeling guilty that cheating on you won’t matter much until after he does it

2. Never hurt a man’s ego. If you hurt his ego another girl can help heal it.

3. Third is giving him some attention and loving. Guys get lonely too.

Hopefully I am never in that situation again, unless it’s with a hotter chick with a good personality. However, the worst part of this story is the way that girl spun the story. I don’t know what she said to the PR girl but the PR girl never spoke to me after this. Maybe she was upset that I hooked up with her friend, but in all fairness I thought she went and hooked up with Kevin Sorbo, which I later found out did not happen. Moral of this story is even the sanest rational guy can make a horrible decision if he feels depressed enough and never leave your chapstick and tide-2-go pen in the same spot.

PS: This is a true story only a few details were changed to protect the identity of the writer.

So a few weeks ago I went down to Universal Records with my radio co-host Ghalib and we asked Jay Sean some questions. However, before he could answer our question the man needed to get his drink on, which was diet coke with three cubes of ice. Yes that’s how the man likes his drinks. After he had his drink we told him that this is a fun interview and feel free to joke around and not take our questions too seriously. Check out some of his answers.

1.
Ghalib: Your “2012″ single is crazy hot, climbing the charts at a speed I can’t even understand. One question for you is regarding working with Nikki Manaj on that single, how was that for you?
Jay Sean: Incredible. Nikki is wicked. She has such a cool vibe about her. We had fun on the set. It’s not like those situations with egos clashing or whatever. Nothing like that. She is absolutely cool.

2.
Ghalib: So you’re with Cash Money under the same umbrella as Young Money. Can we expect any music with like Drake or anyone in that camp?
Jay Sean: Maybe. I can’t say nothing but maybe. I worked with Birdman, Kevin Rudolf, Nikki Manaj. There isn’t a reason we wouldn’t all get together.

3.
Ghalib: Here are some of the questions sent from Curry Bear fans. Priya Mooky and Bhundri Patel asked do you ever plan on going back to adding any Hindi in your song or are you fully embracing what you are doing now?
Jay Sean: It’s not about that. It’s not like … its not like I’d never…you know there’s actually a huge surprise coming up. It’s going to blow everyone away.

CB: Is it a surprise like at the end of LOST? Are we going to find out Jay Sean wasn’t alive the whole time?
Jay Sean: Haha, I’m not going to say anything. It’s something else that may pleasantly surprise people.

4.
Ghalib: Well listen, what ever you got planned up your sleeve is going to be crazy. I always think you’re a great talented writer, people don’t know that about you.
Jay Sean: Thank You.

Ghalib: I was actually youtubing right before I came here.
Jay Sean: That’s good. Doing Research.

CB: Oh no it’s not research, we are fans.
Jay Sean: Haha thanks.

Ghalib: You’re a great song writer. You can sing. Any dancing coming soon?
Jay Sean: I don’t really do… I don’t mess with it like the boys do. I might do some bhangra. But I just concentrate on what I’m best at…and song writing I’m glad you picked up on that. That’s where my heart is…it’s always in song writing. People don’t understand you have great vocalist but what are they singing. They are singing a song someone wrote and some don’t even know who they are, like who wrote a great hit for Michael Jackson. People think ahh Michael Jackson wrote it. Ahh no actually it was Rod Temperton or Quincy Jones wrote that. I think it’s important to get that credit.

5.
Ghalib: Yes and you deserve it. We have another question from Om…umm what’s this?
CB: Om Chanananananannanana. I don’t know.

Jay Sean: Haha I’m sure he’ll appreciate that.
CB: Oh yeah he’s a fan.

Ghalib: Here is a question I’m interested in myself. Do you have intention of bringing up any South Asian musicians or bring them to attention of record label or starting your own record label sometime?
Jay Sean: No. I want it all for myself. Just kidding. Ofcourse.

CB: Hahaha you should find yourself a little Indian Justin Bieber and make some money off of him.
Jay Sean: Yeah, right? I been looking, since I came up I been looking for the next me. I mean we have the biggest population on earth. How can there not be so much talent there. I mean I see it, but it’s just a matter of …I believe in fate and destiny. Hopefully I will find that person and bring him through.

6.
CB: OK from Tulsi, and I’m only asking this because she’s hot. She wants to know what is your favorite color?
Jay Sean: Haha she’s hot? Red..and black probably.

7.
CB: Your single is called 2012 (title) which was made popular by the big disaster movie that came out. Have you seen it and what did you think?
Jay Sean: AWESOME! The Effects were insane. It was great.

8.
CB: In your song you have a line “Its the last 24 hours and this whole world is ours “ If you had … If this was your last 24 hours what would you be doing?
Jay Sean: I would probably be doing… Kim Kardashian.

9.
CB: Hahahahh oh man. That was good. OK so what was the last movie you seen?
Jay Sean: I actually just saw “I love You Man” on TV. I have seen it so many times. For me that humor…I can’t get enough of that humor… that cringe worthy humor.

10.
CB: Have you seen Inception?
Jay Sean: No but I really want to see it. I want to see that and new Will Ferrell movie. The Other Guys.

11.
CB: I wonder what’s going to be a bigger surprise, that secret on your album or the ending of Inception. I think your album might be more shocking. Now, let’s compare this album to the last one. What would you say is different?
Jay Sean: This album is more grown and sexy. It’s still talking about love and relationship but its little more pushing the envelope. It’s definitely more Urban leaning than the last album. A lot more towards the R & B side of things. Even though 2012 is a big pop single, I still love doing those kinds of songs. My thing is I want to give a fair representation of who I am as an artist, but also who I am as a song writer. I love writing pop songs but I also love writing R & B songs as well. I feel I didn’t write enough of the R & B type of stuff on the last album. I really want to go down that avenue a bit more on this one.

12.
Ghalib: I got to ask one question. MAYBE, one of my favorite songs. I know you had some UK single in this current album can we expect any…
Jay Sean: No. No UK stuff. Anything I did on old albums is not cut. This is brand new material. Fresh Fresh Fresh.

13.
CB: Do you watch a lot of TV? What’s your favorite TV show right now?
Jay Sean: I don’t watch a lot of TV cause I don’t get the chance to.

CB: Jersey Shore?
Jay Sean: Hahah I don’t really watch it but I know the Sitch. I know him quite well. He is a fan. They all are quite big fans, the Jersey Shore people. I didn’t realize that. So they told me. But really if I get a chance to watch it I’ll catch up on Entourage. Probably my favorite show: Entourage. Friends, of course.

CB: You do realize “Friends” is not on the air anymore right?
Jay Sean: WHAT? ITS NOT ON AIR?!!! Haha Well Reruns are on air. I meant the reruns. What I’m saying is if it’s on, I’m going to watch it. I was also going to say Fresh Prince of Bel Air because these are classics. Current TV shows, Entourage is the only one I’m really into.

14.
CB: Every now and then even me when I meet a celebrity or just anybody who is American I get taken aback when they know an odd amount about Punjabi or Desi culture. Have you met any celebrity where you were like wow he knows a lot about our culture?
Jay Sean: You know who knows a lot about our culture. Will Smith. He knows a lot about Indian culture. Akon he knows a lot about Indian culture. Who else? Kelly Rowland I think she knows some stuff about Indian culture. Michael Jackson, I never met him but he knows a lot about Indian culture because he was very good friends with Deepak Chopra and all these people and I’m good friends with Deepak and he told me. I like that when I see they like things about our culture.

15.
CB: Finally anything else you’d like to say to the fans?
Jay Sean: Yes of course my fans to me they’re everything to me. They are the reason I am still here. I do my music for them and I hope they enjoy it. Looks what happened with 2012 it just hit radio last week.

CB: That’s all the questions we have.
Jay Sean: Well good this was a fun interview. Pleasure to meet you.

1.
CB: So you have been rapping since you were a teenager. When did you realize that you had a talent for this?
Feroz: I always made music as a hobby and fought the urge to pursue it as a career. I’d make songs just to show my friends and they would all push me to get more serious with this. Eventually, it kinda just sunk in I guess.

2.
CB: Peer- pressure huh, at least they didn’t push you into being a stripper. Where do you see yourself in five years? If it’s surrounded by hot chicks do you see me there too?
Feroz: Surrounded by swarms of aunties.

3.
CB: Whoa, I think I’ll pass on that one. Who are some of your favorite rappers of all time? Please don’t say Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan. (Chappelle show Reference)
Feroz: I don’t wanna make the list too long, so the three I’m inspired by most are Jay-Z, Eminem, and Lupe Fiasco.

4.
CB: A lot of good talent has come out of Jersey. Has being from Jersey influence you in any way.
Feroz:Probably. It’s a very multicultural environment. I’m influenced by people and being from Jersey keeps me motivated to never make music for just one particular demographic.

5.
CB: What are some up coming projects you have in the pipeline?
Feroz: I’m working on a new project that I’m really excited about. I can’t say much about it at the moment except that you can look out for it in 2011.

6.
CB: Well that’s good because I don’t know if you heard but the world is ending in 2012. Now you are more of thinking man’s rapper. Do you think you would go farther if you just dumb it down, throw on a nice beat, and a catchy hook? If so, I could be your Lil’ Jon and just yell nonsense in the background.
Feroz:I think we’re living in a great time in hip hop where the artists that have substance are doing okay. So no, I don’t think I’ll ever have to compromise my content in order to succeed. But I definitely do plan on eventually dumbing it down just to piss my fans off.

7.
CB: Ha, what’s the point of having fans if you can’t piss em off a little. What is your favorite movie?
Feroz: Jurassic Park.

8.
CB: What is your favorite TV show?
Feroz: Right now it’s Jersey Shore.

9.
CB: Ha, being from Jersey. You would. If we were to look through your iPod right now what would be the most surprising song we would find? I’m betting Barbie Girl.
Feroz:I just lost my iPod but you know what? Me and my cousin used to sneak out my uncle’s car when we were 10 years old and blast “Barbie Girl.” It’s a great song.

10.
CB: It’s “fantastic”. What message do you want to send with your music?
Feroz:To be honest, I think I’m still finding it. I’m still growing up and I make this music to share my experiences of living and learning with others. You may take something from the things I say that I didn’t even mean to say. But as long as you walk away with something, I know I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing.

To check out more songs click on this link http://www.djbooth.net/index/mixtapes/entry/feroz-invisible-man

His site is http://www.hiimferoz.com

The reason movie stars like Arnold, Stallone, and Dolph are almost extinct is mainly because of money. One day some guy thought man these action movies are awesome but what can we do to get more women to watch them? So they decided we’ll add some skinny pretty boys as the lead to draw in women yet still keep the action scenes to keep the men interested. The problem with this is that it worked and for a long time we haven’t seen a true action film in a long time. That is until now.

I feel like the reason they named this movie “The Expendables” is because that’s how they feel. The world doesn’t need them anymore. They stopped showing guys like these in movies and we didn’t even notice. That’s exactly what they were “Expendable”. The Expendables isn’t about plots or a love story. It isn’t trying to make a political point; it’s not trying to teach you a lesson. It’s definitely not about a gay sparkly vampire. This movie is for people who miss the old school action movies. Guys beating the shit out of each other with guns, knives, and no-holds barred bare knuckle brawling while spouting clever one-liners.

This movie has a lot of action stars and some great cameos. One of the best scenes is when Sly, Bruce, and Arnold are in one scene together for the first time. Director and star Sylvester Stallone sustained 14 injuries making this movie including breaking a tooth, rupturing his ankle and getting a hairline fracture in his neck that required the surgical insertion of a metal plate. He also had bronchitis and shingles during the shoot. Now that’s a fucken man!

So go watch this movie. Not for the plots, pretty faces, or the jokes. Watch it for the action, violence, and most importantly watch it to pay your respects. If you are a parent or an older brother take your teenage brother or son to this movie. Perhaps some of these guys are “has-beens” but if it wasn’t for them your favorite classic movie would have been a “never was”.

Not being brought up in India, I violently reject old fashioned ideas of the stereotypical mother-in-law as projected by the many Indian television shows. Where the daughter-in-law is always obedient, subservient and a total slave to the domestic politics of an almost-always huge mansion-like house. Where the saas and bahu cannot happily co-exist because there is always a tug-of-war over the son. Where there is always an evil, conniving vamp (another bahu, or the unmarried sister, or the widowed aunt; take your pick) in cahoots with one of the servants hell bent on destroying the peace and quiet of their heavenly (and ultra over the top) abode. Where the women are always dressed in their best sarees and jewelery, even if they are only going to bed. To sleep.

I mean, come on! In a world where even Bollywood is changing (no, I am not talking about the increasing number of make out scenes) to imitate real life, why is the audience stuck on watching shows whose storyline hold no close resemblance to reality?

Starting this year, Yashraj films did attempt to come up with something haatke. Something other than the daily drama soaps. However, despite being a hit with the younger generation (ahem, like me), Rishta.Com, Seven, Powder and Maahi Way did not go down well with the saas-bahu shows addicts. After only a run of six months, due to low TRPs, these revolutionary shows died a sudden death.

My grandmother in India didn’t even know what I was talking about when I mentioned the new shows to her. “What? Rishta dot what?” she screeched from the buzzing telephone line. “I am happy watching Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi”. Because mother-in-law was once a daughter-in-law. She went onto regale me with the last episode where the husband’s first wife shows up but she is pregnant with his child. (Don’t ask).

What makes me mad though is not how insidiously integrated these saas-bahu shows are in the Indian telly watching culture, but how often we forget that these are unrealistic “made-up” worlds manufactured to distract us from our utterly normal (and perhaps, boring, for some) daily lives. For example, I cannot imagine my granny calling me shameless if I didn’t wear the traditional salwar kameez while in India. In fact, my liberal granny (who ironically enjoys these aforementioned vile shows) didn’t even bat an eyelid when I told her of my former boyfriend belonging to a different religion. She nodded wisely and said, “As long as he is a good guy”.

The point is, just as I cannot understand and stand the Twilight hype that has taken over the minds of every single girl/woman from as young as eleven to as old as forty and over, I fail to grasp the ever increasing and continued popularity of these shows that barely come close to reality.

As my former high school psychology teacher would say, “Arey, it’s pure entertainment!” I guess, for now, I can satisfy my curiosity with that, except the mindlessness of it all is immensely frustrating. I think I need to go watch my Sex and the City collection all over again. By: Sanchari Sur (http://sursanchari.wordpress.com)

My name is Aditya. You all can call me Adi for short. Curry Bear asked me to write a story because he needed one written by an asshole who is also an idiot. I wasn’t sure if I should’ve felt flattered or insulted at the request. This is a story about how far some boys are willing to go to have sex. The keyword here is “some” boys, because not all of them are like me. I’ll let you be the judge of my character at the end of this story.

The story starts with me and a few of my boys planning a trip to South America. I won’t say which country to keep things covert, but let’s just say it is near Argentina. On this trip was also my friend Samir, who wrote the previous story Strike Out. The other guys were Nikhil, Farhan, Rohit, Javed and Deepak. At the end of this story, I’m sure you’ll be asking yourself how a nice guy like Samir is friends with guys like me. Truthfully speaking, I still don’t know how the entire group came together because it’s a mix of nice guys, assholes, cheaters, and douchebags.

To get ready for this trip, my friends and I hit up Wal-Mart. We stocked up on travel-sized items such as toothpaste, hair gel, insect repellent spray, hand sanitizers, and lots and lots of condoms. I remember Deepak taking a swipe on a shelf like a character from Street Fighter and dropping 10 boxes of condoms into the shopping cart. I wasn’t really sure if I’d be needing condoms but I figured what the hell, you never know. I also had an on-again off-again girlfriend at the time, but things between me and her weren’t so great and I knew a breakup was imminent. Besides, my motto in life is, “When in Rome, do the Romans.” We even bought a pack of those vibrating ring condoms. I had a feeling my friends were gonna do some freaky stuff on this vacation too. I had one carry-on with me for this trip and a backpack. I put all the condoms in my backpack, just in case one of us got lucky on the plane. Sadly, that didn’t happen.

After finally landing at the aiport, we got to our hotel room and went about town during the day. We ate the street food, checked out some places and did other tourist stuff. When the darkness arrived, we went back to our hotel room. We changed our clothes to party it up and get our sexy on. There was a place about 5 minutes from a cab ride where there were several bars. We went to check it out and as expected, the place was filled with a decent amount of boys and girls. The boys and I scope out the place. Some hit the dance floor while Deepak, Nikhil, Samir and I hit up the bar. We make our way near one bar where there’s a few good looking girls. One of them looked Latina while the other was a blonde. None of us really spoke Spanish fluently, but 4 years of Spanish in high school is enough to get a conversation started. We started talking to these two lovely ladies in broken Spanish. I had my eyes set on Maria, the blonde girl. Now that I think about it, Maria looked a lot like that girl Kristine from the movie Dil Chahta Hai who ends up robbing Saif Ali Khan. I stand there at the bar looking all cool while sipping my beer and talking to Maria from time to time. Samir was somewhere close by chit-chatting with her friend Rosa. The rest of the guys were scattered all over the place.

After I order my 2nd beer, I turn around to see Maria freakishly grinding up on a guy nearby. I think to myself, “Fucking a, that must be the boyfriend or something. Well looks like I’m not getting lucky tonight.” I felt like Maria was intentionally trying to cocktease me. When she wasn’t grinding with the guy, she would come back to sit near me and showed me what her tongue can do. For the first time in my life, I was wishing my dick was a Corona bottle. I didn’t know what to make of that gesture, so I sipped more beer. After getting the right amount of buzz, things started getting a bit darker and blurry. I continue talking to Maria but this time we spoke in her broken English rather than my broken Spanish.

Maria: “So you be here for how long?”
Aditya: “We’re here for today. Tomorrow we go to the jungle side. Then we come back here Thursday.”
There is a brief pause in our conversation for 10 seconds. I take a sip of my beer and try to ponder on what to say next. But then Maria leans into my ear and whispers something.
Maria: “One hundred for one hour”.
I hear what she says, but my brain can’t process the information. Perhaps the alcohol had already started doing its work. I’m standing there thinking to myself, “what the hell does she mean by one hundred for one hour”.
Aditya: “Sorry. What did you say?”
Maria: “I said one hundred for one hour.”
Ten more seconds pass and I realize that this girl is drunk and trying to whore herself to me. I try to be a nice guy. I grab her friend Rosa.
Aditya: “Rosa your friend is too drunk. She’s is saying stupid things like 100 for one hour. You should take care of her before she does something stupid.”
Rosa: “Is $100 too much?”
Aditya: “What the fuck?”
That’s when it finally hits me. Prostitution is legal in this country. Maria is a prostitute. Something that would’ve taken a person 3 seconds to process while sober takes about 3 minutes when drunk. My dick reaches level 3 lift-off at the prospect of getting sex. I don’t want to work hard to get a girl tonight. I’m on vacation and I want it easy even if I have to pay for it.
Rosa: “Is hundred dollars too much?”
Aditya: “Um….no.”
With hand gestures, I start speaking to Maria.
Aditya: “So wait, you and me, like fuck fuck for $100?”
Maria: “Si. $100 for one hour.”
Aditya: “Ok, give me one minute to talk to my friends.”
I run up to my friends Samir and Nikhil who were standing closest to me.
Aditya: “Yo guys, I might need the keys to the hotel room. That girl over there giving head to that Corona bottle just offered to let me fuck her for $100.”
Samir: “No way”.
Nikhil: “Are you serious, they’re prostitutes?”
Aditya: “Fuck yeah dude. Prostitution is legal here, I remember reading that on Wikipedia. I think they are all hookers up in here.”
Samir: “No! Not Rosa! She seemed like such a nice girl”
Aditya: “Man I think Rosa might be the madame of this place.”
Nikhil: “Dude are you sure you want to do this?”
Aditya: “Yeah man, it’s only a $100. This is like a Black Friday deal on sex. Gimme the room key already.”
I take the room key from Nikhil’s hand. I tell them to give me one of the long range walkie-talkies we had brought along on this trip.
Aditya: “Ok guys I’m gonna take a cab back to our hotel with her. Just buzz me on the walkie-talkie before coming back to the room so you don’t have to see my crusty naked ass in case I’m not done.”
Samir: “Alright man, but don’t use the bed please. I don’t wanna sleep on your dead children tonight.”
Aditya: “Yeah I’ll fuck her on the floor or something. Don’t worry man I’m not gonna jizz all over the room and turn it into a crime scene. I got all those condoms in my backpack. I’ll keep it clean and make sure not to drip on the carpet.”

I grab Maria’s hand, walk out of that place like a pimp and explain to her we’re taking a taxi back to my room. I love the word taxi. It basically just means taxi in any language. I make sure that I still have all my belongings. I check to make sure I got the room key, my camera, and my wallet. We get into a cab. I tell the cab driver the name of our hotel room and he takes us there.

When we arrive at the hotel, Maria gives her ID to the security guard at the front door. I guess it was for her protection just in case there are any weirdos who like killing hookers. I am a bit nervous but the alcohol buzz is balancing the nervousness with confidence. We get inside and wait in the lobby. There is a young man at the front desk who gives me looks.

I turn to Maria.
Aditya: “Maria wait here in lobby. I go clean room for us.”
Maria nods her head and sits on a couch. I only say that so that to her so I can go in the room alone, open my bag and take the money out of my carry-on. I didn’t want her to see where I kept my stash in case she wanted to rob me. I may have been buzzed but the little bit of reasoning I had left in me was telling me to stay smart and alert. Maybe deep down my subconscious was trying to protect me and making sure I don’t end up naked and tied up in the room with all my stuff stolen.

I enter the room. I open my wallet and see that I got $60 in there. I open my carry-on bag and take out another $60. $100 for Maria plus $20 tip just in case I want to see her again. I count the money twice to make sure the alcohol didn’t fuck up my math skills. I push the bags away to create a little bit of room on the floor. The carpet wasn’t soft but not rough either. “This carpet might hurt my ass a bit, so I better get on top of her”, I think to myself. Then I reach for my backpack to take out the condoms. I see that it is locked, so I reach into my pocket. It is one of those tiny locks you get at the dollar store. Nothing in the left pocket. Nothing in the right pocket. Panic starts to set in. I wonder to myself, “Shit, I remember taking the keys with me to the bar, did I drop them somewhere. Fuck what if I dropped it at the club when I took out my wallet? Or in the cab? Those keys were mad tiny.”

I take a look around the room. No small keys anywhere in sight. I open my wallet to see if the keys sneaked in there. No keys in wallet. The panic gets worse. I start pulling at the lock to see if I can yank it out. I put my little pinky between the U-shaped part of the lock and try to separate it. I thought it was a cheap $1 lock so maybe I could just break it open, but no luck. The lock is tight and the zippers won’t budge. I try to separate the two zippers to see if I can get enough space between them to put my hand through it. No luck. Even my pinky finger couldn’t get through the space between the zippers. At this point I’m having a panic attack. All the blood that was at my dick is now near my heart.

So there I was in a hotel room with a hooker waiting in the lobby for me and my blood pumping fast. Now I’ve been cockblocked by a few people in my life, but never did I think I would get cockblocked by a JanSport backpack and a cheap $1 lock. It is moments like these that separate men like McGuyver and men like me. McGuyver would’ve done some crazy shit like pull out a lamp cord and use some bubble gum to electrocute the lock until it exploded. I on the other hand am nothing like McGuyver. I’m more like that character Michael Bolton from Office Space who angrily punches the shit out of the copier with his bare hands. There I was punching my JanSport backpack with all my anger thinking that somehow my bare knuckles would cut a hole through the polyester and give me access to the condoms. When you don’t have blood-flow to the brain, a lot of implausible things seem plausible. After throwing several punches, I just kick the bag out of sight.

Yes, this is a picture of the cheap dollar store lock I purchased that fucked me over.

I decide it is time to try other options.

Finally in desperation, I go up to the guy at the front desk. His nametag says Ferdinand. When you’re desperate, you don’t worry about asking things that would normally embarrass you.
Aditya: “Hey listen Ferdinand, this is kind of embarrassing, but I got that girl over there and I was going to have sex with her, but I don’t have a condom. Would you happen to have one?”
Ferdinand: “Oh I see. Yes I may have one in my bag, but I should let you know that it is our policy to charge you an extra $15 when you bring um….girls from outside.”
Honestly speaking, Ferdinand could’ve handed me a knife and asked me to give him my pinky finger in exchange for a condom, and I would’ve gladly obliged.
Aditya: “Yeah that’s fine man. If you can get me the condom that’d help me so much man.”
Ferdinand: “Yeah just wait here, let me go downstairs and check my bag.”
Moments later, Ferdinand returns with a condom in his hand. That moment was like Christmas of 1996 when my uncle gave me a Nintendo 64 as a present. Even though I had no tears, deep down I was crying like a child at the sight of that condom.
Ferdinand: “By the way, good choice on the girl. I see some of the girls people bring here. This is like a hundred times better.”
Aditya: “Thanks man, alright I’m gonna go do the…that thing I want”
Ferdinand: “Yeah that, have fun.”
I give Ferdinand the $15 and get to the room. I wasn’t sure if he pocketed the money himself or if that was really the hotel policy, but since he gave me a condom I didn’t much care for it.

Maria and I enter the room. She starts undressing. I look at her naked body just to make sure nothing nasty sticks out. Her body looks clean. It’s cleaner than mine. I start feeling like a leper. I didn’t really know how to begin. I wonder to myself, “Should I take my clothes off, or should I just start going at it and take it off slowly.” But by then we’re making out and rolling on the floor. I guess Maria also thought the carpet was going to be rough on her ass because she gets on top right away. We start going at it like rabbits. We do missionary, doggy style, reverse cowgirl, against the wall and anything I could think of. For some reason, the mix of nervousness and alcohol in my blood is preventing me from having an orgasm. I keep thrusting and pounding her, yet I feel no sense of an orgasm coming my way. I build up the momentum and keep on thrusting until Maria has an orgasm. I can’t believe it. I once dated a girl for 4 years and gave her only 2 orgasms and I’m sure one of them was by accident. But here I am for the first time with this hooker and giving her an orgasm. I am drunk but I look at her face and her reaction to confirm she’s not faking it. She tells me she needs “un momento” and I look at her vagina. I say to myself, “Yep, she definitely had an orgasm. Can’t fake cum.” Life is pretty ironic sometimes. I can’t give my girlfriends an orgasm, but when I pay a woman to give me an orgasm, I end up giving her one.

We finish about 10 minutes later and I look at the time. It’s around 2:30 A.M. Maria actually spent an hour with me. I still wasn’t sure what caused me to not bust a nut early, but I was happy I gave a hooker a taste of her own medicine. I’m not that great at sex but that night I felt like King Leonidis from 300. I just wanted to look up to the sky and yell like a man. Maria and I get dressed. I use the walkie-talkie to tell the guys that I’m done with her, but they’re too far out of range. I walk her outside, give her a $20 tip and put her in a cab. She tells me she’ll be there again on Thursday night at that same place.

I take a moment to think about what just happened but it still hasn’t sunk in yet. I go back to the room and take a shower. The guys come back and I tell them the story.
Nikhil: “So how was it?”
Aditya: “Yeah it was good man. We fucked like porn stars.”
Deepak: “So did she actually spend an hour or leave once you busted?”
Aditya: “Dude I got the full hour, maybe even a bit more. The women here don’t just bounce once you’re done. When they say one hour, they mean one hour.”
Deepak: “So which condom did you use?”
Aditya: “Yeah about that….”

Curry Bear wanted me to answer a question for the ladies. Ok I’m lying. He forced me to answer questions to find out what goes on in our heads when we act this way. Why do some men do stupid shit like this and sometimes cheat on girls?

Well, I don’t know why all men behave irrationally or why they cheat. But I can tell you why I did it.

I did it for several reasons. One reason is simple, we’re men and all we think about is sex. Our hormones won’t let us think of anything else but sex. We wake up with hard-ons every morning. There are very few men in this world who are not interested in sex. Why did I have sex with a hooker like Maria? I want to explore and have all kinds of crazy sex before I put my penis into retirement. It’s not like I never had sex before meeting Maria. I’ve had sex numerous times, but it’s still never enough. When you’re in your twenties, those are your fuck years. No matter how much sex you get, it’s not enough. But things change over time. As I got a bit older, I started losing interest in hookups and sex with random girls. I’ve finally reached that point where I’d rather have something serious than just sleep around. I guess for some guys maturity comes a bit late. Sometimes it takes a while for guys to understand what is truly important in life. Perhaps I am one of them.

A second reason for all these shenanigans was because I didn’t want to get old one day and realize that my life was boring. I don’t want to be the guy who gets married, has kids and then dies. I want stories to remember when I get old. I want to look back at myself when I’m old, shitting in a bag and think, “Man I was a fucking bad-ass mother fucker when I was younger.” Honestly speaking, I am glad I did all those things when I was young. I needed to get it all out of my system. I know that one day I might be married and have kids, so I’m glad I did all this when I was young and now I can just put it behind me.

Sexual chemistry is another reason. Some girls wonder why guys cheat on them. One reason is because of sex. This somewhat relates to that first reason I gave. If we’re not getting enough or if the girl doesn’t satisfy us sexually, we will start looking elsewhere. That is the awful truth. This reason is a bit complicated because some guys cheat on hot girls with ugly girls. But to put it simply, if a girlfriend is not giving us enough sex, we will look elsewhere to get laid. The girl I was seeing at that time wasn’t into sex as much as I was. She was a really nice girl though. When we dated, I treated her really well and I was the best boyfriend I could be. You’ll be glad to know that she eventually broke up with me. She went on to date another guy and she’s doing quite well now. I’m actually glad about that because I feel like she definitely didn’t deserve a cheating douche like me. I’d like to think of me and her as two people who were right for each other but met at the wrong time.

There is a 2nd part to this story where things just get worse. I feel like many people (especially girls) might get offended by this story and tell Curry Bear never to let me write another one again. The 2nd story involves another prostitute named Leilani who was absolutely gorgeous. I took so many pictures with Leilani that I could publish a graphic novel if I wanted to. Here’s a sneak peek just to prove that my stories are real:

If there is a demand for it, I’ll write a second story.

I also don’t want to leave you with unanswered questions like an episode of Lost. You guys might be wondering what happened to the condoms in the locked JanSport backpack. Here’s the convo that took place between me and the guys after they came back to the room:
Aditya: “I think I lost the keys somewhere in the club when I must have taken out my wallet to pay for the beer.”
Nikhil: “So how did you get a condom?”
Aditya: “I borrowed one from the guy at the front desk. I was so glad he had one.”
Farhan: “So the condoms are still in the bag?”
Aditya: “Yeah man. I couldn’t break the lock. We might need like those giant lock cutters.”
Farhan takes a look at the backpack. Instead of trying to put his finger between the U-shaped part of the lock and trying to break it like I did, he just yanks on the lock itself. In about 15 seconds, he rips apart the lock along with the pull tabs of the zippers. The pull tabs are gone but Farhan can now separate the zipper with his fingers. Out come all the condom boxes. I think to myself, “Shit, why did I waste my time putting my finger in the U-shaped part of the lock instead of just pulling on the lock?” It’s amazing what a man can do when the blood flow is going to his brain and not his dick.

Curry Bear’s disclaimer: Everyone got checked out for STD after this trip. Then they all went out to dinner, had some drinks, and made a toast for being “STD free since ‘93″. Curry Bear does not support prostitution, unless the girl is hotter than Megan Fox. Always make sure that there is a rubber tarp covering the snake.

Sonia’s show is going to be unlike any other food show. It will go into stories of not just how the food is made but how the person cooking the food was made or better put, how he/she made a name for themselves. Her website is http://soniahunt.com and her blog is http://blog.soniahunt.com definitely check them out if you get the chance. Also, feel free to follow her on twitter @soniahunt. She spends most of her time flirting with me on it but in between those flirt/tweets she has really interesting food related news. Also check out the trailer for her show at the end of the interview, that is if you can stop yourself from staring at her beautiful pictures. However, don’t let her pictures fool you, she is one tough cookie. She even got my secret identity out of me. She also has a great sense of humor which you can tell from this interview. I strongly feel it will give her show that little something extra.

1.
CB: So you are starting a new cooking show can you tell us something about that?
Sonia: I’m really focused at a younger generation of budding foodie, where it’s more than just what you’re eating, its the lifestyle and experience around it. We’re shooting stories of really cool people who are doing different and innovative things in the culinary arts.

2.
CB: What’s the best story you have done on your show?
Sonia: We’ve shot with Culinary Legends, James Beard winners, Michelin rated chefs and Emerging chefs. They are all unique & awesome in their own right. I can’t live without my morning chai, so I have to say the story we did on a traveling Chai Wallee who rides around the streets of San Franciso on her bike, delivering chai is defs awesome.

3.
CB:That sounds awesome. Don’t tell me if she ends up on “Who wants to be a Millionaire”. I don’t want to spoil it. How did you get an interest in cooking?
Sonia: I’ve been cooking since I was a little kid. I like to eat so it helped. Seriously, its just a part of our culture and I being a child and adult of food allergies it made sense to learn rather than constantly take chances eating out.

4.
CB: Speaking of food allergies, I have a friend named Joey who will explode if he walks into a “Five Guys” due to his allergies to peanuts. Are you allergic to any interesting food and does that have any influence on your show?
Sonia: LOL, you may need to set us up. I too have a dreaded peanut allergy. But its not as bad as Joey’s, I actually have to eat the nuts to then rush off to the hospital. I have 31 food allergies, in all different flavors. \We didn’t shoot a show on allergies, but it’s a part of who I am. So I find that all the chefs around me are very cautious and wanting to learn more and make sure that I’m ok. I kind of milk it so I can get them to cook me what I want.

5.
CB: Will your show be based in a certain city or will you be traveling? For example, to Florida….where you will be hosting the show in a bikini?
Sonia: Not sure if anyone wants to see me in a bikini…or are you asking? Yes! Plan is to travel and shoot. We shot the pilot in San Francisco and I could do an entire show here but being from the east coast, I would even love to showcase some down home East Coast vs. West Coast, gangsta style.

6.
CB: Whoa easy with that, I’ve seen NOTORIOUS. Things didn’t end well for them. If you were to go out on a date with Curry Bear, what would you cook him and will there be dessert (wink wink)?
Sonia: A girl could only dream CB. Even tho you’re classified as a carnivore, you’re really an omnivore, so I’m thinking Braised Lamb Shanks with Garlic and Indian Spices with and edible Squash Blossom flower gratin. Dessert will come twice.

7.
CB: Haha, yeah it will. So, what were you doing before you started to take on this project?
Sonia: I have been a career Digital Media technologist. So I went from an Engineering undergrad into Consulting and then Software Product Management. I basically have been building digital businesses and brands for Global 500 customers. I figured it was time to build my own.

8.
CB: Can Curry Bear do a guest spot on your show? I’ll rent a bear costume and make a surprise guest appearance?
Sonia: But of course. Will you be wearing anything underneath that costume? A loongi?

9.
CB: Well, don’t know about loongi but some of those letters still apply. What’s the most exotic thing you’ve cooked?
Sonia: Cooked and enjoyed – I would say Fried Goat Brain sandwiches.

10.
CB: What’s the best advice you can give to someone who wants to be a chef one day?
Sonia: I always encourage people to go after their dreams and be realistic about them too. It’s hard work and a long path, as is anything worthwhile. So take your time and enjoy. And make sure you invite me over one day for dinner!

stirring it up! with Sonia Hunt from Sonia Hunt on Vimeo.

Hi, my name is Samir. This is based on a completely true story, however, names and small details were changed to protect the identity of the people in the story. All events occur in real time. Ok that last part did not apply but it sounds cool when Jack Bauer says it. The story begins with me deciding to sign up for one of those online matrimonial sites.

Not to sound arrogant, but I am a pretty good looking guy and I am very social and quite hilarious most of the time. So why do I need a matrimonial site? Well, I want to meet someone who is a little more serious about marriage. But mostly, I am very lazy. So I decided to give it a shot and found a girl who messaged me. We talked and decided to meet up. We didn’t have a great conversation. In fact, she even seemed a little hostile if I didn’t e-mail her right away. But I thought it couldn’t hurt to meet up. So we set a date. She said we must set the date two weeks in advance. I mean, who the fuck does that? But I thought “Na forget it yo home to bel-air!” Sorry, I have random Fresh Prince Moments.

We didn’t really e-mail each other until a few days prior to the date but in the mean time, I went to my cousins wedding, where I met another girl. This girl was actually kind of a bitch to me, telling me to get out of the way so my niece can get a picture. I actually thought it was nice of her to bitch at me on behalf of my niece. Weird right? My niece said “No that’s my uncle” and she apologized. I thought this girl was really cute. She was taking photographs with a big ass camera like she knew what she was doing. It turns out girls with big cameras are a turn-ons for me. I’m sure there is a porno out there with naked girls and SLR cameras, something I should definitely Google when I get the time. OK, I just Googled it, not as great as I thought it would be. It’s better!!

So later that week, I asked my cousin for her name and Facebook stalked her. Fuck you, we all do it. Don’t judge me! I didn’t expect anything crazy, just thought a pic would come up. I later found out we had a mutual friend. His name is Ajay. So I message Ajay and this is how our conversation went down:

Sam: Dude, I met this girl (insert photo-girls name) the other day and found out you are our mutual friend. Can you tell me anything about her?
Ajay: Oh yeah…she’s nice…really cool person.
Sam: Oh ok. I met her at my cousins wedding. I was thinking about having my cousin introduce me to her.
Ajay: Oh ok..yeah she’s a nice girl but whatever you do…don’t let her introduce you to her friend Munni.
Sam: Why?
Ajay: That’s my ex. That bitch is crazy! One time she snuck into my house and hid in my closet for hours and then when I got home tried to surprise me. She lied constantly and was very needy and clingy. Not to mention she is all about the money.
Sam: She hid in your closet? WTF? Did she think you were cheating on her?
Ajay: I don’t know but she is crazy man.
Sam: Haha sucks for you, Fucker. That’s hilarious though.
Ajay: Want me to send you a picture of both of them.
Sam: Sure.

(Five Minutes Later)

Sam: Dude fuck my life!!! I have a date with that girl next week!!! I met her on a matrimonial site.
Ajay: Haha sucks for you, Fucker. That’s hilarious though.
(I must admit that was a good comeback)

So it turns out the girl I met on the matrimonial site is best friends with the girl I met at the wedding and used to date my friend. Seriously, you can’t even make this shit up. Well, I really liked the girl at the wedding and after Ajay’s stories about Munni being a pathological liar, I was definitely not into this “Munni” girl anymore. I mean if this girl jumped out of my closet, in a Batman costume beating me with a glow in the dark dildo, I would only have myself to blame. I decided to stay away. Even if she was not as crazy as he made her out to be, dating her would be against the bro code. Even though Ajay and I are not really that close of friends, I still didn’t want Ajay’s sloppy seconds. I chose to ignore Munni and was planning on canceling our date.

I called up my cousin and asked her if she could introduce me to photo-girl. She said she didn’t really know her that well and that her mom invited their family. So I thought how can I meet this girl? I kept thinking about her. Every time Katy Perry’s “If we ever meet again” played on the radio, I was reminded how much I liked this girl, and how all of Timbaland’s song sound exactly the same. But how exactly do we ever meet again? I mean Ajay can’t introduce me, because of the beef he has with his ex. I thought, why not keep the date with Munni, become her friend and maybe I can meet the hot photo-girl. So I decided to keep our date.

Since we planned our date so far in advance, my company’s Baseball game happened to be at the same time. Well, it was a double header and I thought, fuck it I’ll miss the first game and make it for the second. So Munni sends me an e-mail telling me to be there at 6PM but she can also get out earlier and make it by 5PM. However, she won’t let me know until the day of. I replied, “Fine, just let me know by 3PM that day”. She does this, so I decide to meet her then. I wait 45 minutes and she does not show up. I e-mailed her on my phone and said “I guess you had second thoughts” and decided to leave for the office to change into my Baseball gear. Even though, I was not interested in her, being stood up didn’t feel good. I could have gotten her phone number but I kind of avoided exchanging numbers after Ajay’s stories. I mean he did make her out to be a crazy psycho bitch. I didn’t have a number to call her with. So I decided to go get changed for my Baseball game.

I received this e-mail in my inbox:

You are the biggest piece of shit in the world. I been waiting here for 15 minutes. You never fucking confirmed you were going to meet me at 5 that’s why I came at 6. I should have gotten an e-mail back saying you were going to meet me at that time. Fuck you asshole.

I e-mailed back with this:

Whoa, relax I’m just across the street at my office changing for my game. I’ll come over right away. Here is my number XXX-XXXX.

So she calls me up.

Mun: What the fuck happened?
Sam: Listen, calm down. It was just a misunderstanding. I am walking over to you right now. How about we just get a cup of coffee?
Mun: No! I want a meal. I didn’t come here just for coffee.
Sam: Yeah, listen no problem but there is a little issue with the way I’m dressed.

So as soon as I said that I appeared in full Baseball uniform, wearing a hat, cup, gloves, bat, cleats, and even some black marks under my eyes. She looks at me with piercing eyes.

Mun: Are you fucking serious? You came here dress like that?
Sam: No I thought you were not coming so I got changed for my game.
Mun: Well, I still want a meal.
Sam: Yeah sure.

So we go into a restaurant and I walk in looking like A-Rod but feeling like an A-Hole. They stop me and tell me I can’t walk in with a baseball bat because it’s a weapon. I ask if I can leave it by the door. They agreed. Now cleats are great for traction when playing on dirt or grass. However, on floor…not so much. I trip and fall right on my ass. Munni turns around and says “Did you just fall?” I replied, “No, I was just checking gravity. It still works.” She was not amused. So we sit down for a meal, but not before I catch her staring at my crotch. I wasn’t too flattered though, since I was wearing a cup. She orders an alcoholic beverage. I start talking to the waiter.

Sam: Can you put the alcohol on a separate bill?
Mun: Why?
Sam: Oh well I don’t drink alcohol for religious reasons and buying some falls under the same category.
Mun: Well, can you just get me lemonade instead.
Sam: Oh you can order a drink I don’t find it rude or anything.
Mun: I don’t buy my own alcohol.
Sam: Ok.

So I sat there for a horrible hour with the worst date I ever been on in my entire life. But I’m putting on the charm. I am being funny, charming, and telling her warm hearted stories along with funny ones. She finally begins to lighten up. She starts to laugh at some and I tell her, “Aren’t you glad you didn’t go home? See I’m not a bad guy”. Then I manipulated the conversation to where I went to school. I mentioned the school both Ajay and I went to. She mentions she knows people there. She does not want to say who but I drag it out of her. She mentions Ajay. I tell her how we are such good friends. It hits her that this is not going to work out, since I am kind of Ajay’s “best friend” at the moment (at least according to my reaction). So I thought this was a good time as any to tell her I’m just looking to be friends. She seemed puzzled by this. Then she gets a phone call. Turns out it’s her best friend, the one I want to get with.

Mun: Oh hi I forgot to call you back.
Mun: No he came back. I should have called you and let you know.

I try to be funny and chime in.
Sam: Ha, you were talking smack about me to ur friend before? Haha
Mun: Do you mind?
Sam: Oh sorry.

Apparently she didn’t like me chiming in with my comment. As she hangs up she tells me yeah she was talking shit about me to her friend. I asked her “You still think I am like that?” She said “No, you are actually one of the nicest guys I have ever met”. So I tell her it’s my first time doing this from one of those sites, and that we should hang out again. She tells me her friend is having a birthday party at some club and I should come and meet her friends.

At this point I think to myself, “Mission accomplished”. I got this girl to think I am the nicest guy in the world (despite my desperate plan, I kind of am), locked her into the friend zone, and got invited to a party with her friends. I didn’t even care that I spent like 70 bucks on this girl’s meal and had a horrible time on this date. On top of that I got verbally abused like I was Mel Gibson’s wife. I thought “this is perfect. I should get a medal, an award, or at least a cuddle for this performance”. I went home feeling like a million bucks, that is until I went to my Facebook and a messaged popped up.

Ajay: Hey there is something I forgot to tell you about that girl you mentioned. Munni’s best friend.
Sam: What?
Ajay: She’s engaged.
Sam signs off:

This is why I love the internet.

1. Yaars before Pyaars
2. Two yaars can not go to see a Bollywood movie together. (Hollywood OK)
3. A yaar may not take his shirt off in front of another yaar unless that first yaar is Salman Khan
4. A yaar will always help you reformat your computer.
5. A yaar will save all the porn on a friend’s computer when he reformats it.
6. A yaar does not dip his somosa in another man’s chutney.
7. A yaar will not tell a fellow yaar’s arranged wife about his past flings.
8. A yaar is required to agree to any lie you might have made up to impress a girl.
9. If you are on a dance team, you may not practice dance moves alone with another yaar.
10. A yaar does not date another yaar’s ex.
11. During a break up the yaar must automatically take the side of the first yaar, no questions asked. This excludes cases of rape or domestic abuse, which are just not yaar-like.
12. A yaar is to scope out any rumors people may have mentioned about the second yaar’s arranged marriage.
13. A yaar is always down for a Taco Bell/Platters run.
14. A yaar will not ditch his friends for a pyaar and then lie about it.
15. A yaar will always tell another yaar go to www.currybear.com
16. A yaar will understand when a bro has to cancel to avoid drama from the pyaar.
17. A yaar does not let another yaar drunk dial. (unless it’s really funny)
18. A yaar is required to make sure another yaar does not drive drunk in a car. A rickshaw is OK.
19. A yaar may not lick another yaar’s Kulfi.
20. A yaar is to never date another yaar’s relative (Unless she is really really hot)
21. A yaar always respects another yaar’s religion, but is permitted to make jokes about it only if the joke is funny. If the joke is deemed unfunny by 3 or more yaars, the joking yaar will get a slap to be carried out at any time during a 24 hour period.
22. A yaar will never let another yaar explain to a white man what a Lota is.
23. A yaar is required to do all he can to get another yaar laid.
24. A yaar is not allowed to buy tampons for another yaar’s girlfriend
25. Two yaar’s may not ride on one bike in any country except India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh.

26. Two yaars will at no time ever hold hands.
27. Two yaars will not wear the same outfit to a club. The yaar who can provide a receipt to prove he purchased the shirt first may keep it. Otherwise a game of rock paper scissors is required to settle the debate
28. When two yaars are after the same girl, the first yaar to get a kiss wins, thus causing the second yaar to secede.
29. A yaar will not go shopping for underwear with another yaar
30. A yaar will always bail another yaar out of jail, regardless of time of day. The exception to this rule is if your yaar ended up in jail because he tried to hook up with a jailbait and ended up on Dateline’s Catch a Predator.
31. A yaar will not let his friend marry a girl who has not seen Back to the Future.
32. A yaar will not let his yaar marry a girl who does not know the secret identity of either Superman, Batman, or Spiderman.
33. If a yaar tells another yaar to never let him date a bitch, the second yaar is not allowed to bitch about the fact that no one likes his crazy girlfriend.
34. If a yaar raises his hand for a Hi-Five you must give it to him. No Matter how far you are from him. A Yaar does not leave a fellow Yaar hanging.
35. If a yaar can clearly see that his yaar is unhappy in his realtiosnhip, it is the first yaar’s duty to ensure they break up. He will be grateful to you years later.
36. A yaar can not be judged for singing a desi song at random. Sometimes a nigga gotta get his Atif Aslam on.
37. If you see a yaar crying during a movie, he has something in his eyes. You didn’t see anything.
38. If a fellow yaar’s fly is down, that is his problem you still didn’t see anything.
39. If a yaar is talking to more than one girl at a time, it is his duty to introduce a friend into the conversation. It ain’t no fun if the homies can’t get none.
40. A yaar may not have a picture of another yaar as his wallpaper for his computer, phone, or literally his wallpaper.
41. If a yaar challenges you to a light saber battle by either using toys or a star wars app on the phone you must accept.
42. A yaar is entitled to do something fobby as long as all his other friends are doing it.
43. A yaar will act like Cricket is awesome regardless if he understands it or not. It’s the only sport we brown people are good at, so let’s pretend it’s awesome.
44. A yaar will not send a smiley to another yaar over im or facebook post.
45. While doing Bhangra a yaar is required to wear deodorant.
46. A yaar will never apply mehndi on his hands, arms, or hair. He may however, eat some if he has the balls.
47. A yaar will never let another yaar grow a mustache. Desi people can’t pull it off.
48. If a yaar learns that another yaar waxes his back, eyebrows, or chest, pretend you do not know. We are desi. We are hairy. We got to do what we got to do.
49. A yaar will not iron another yaar’s shirt. Unless it’s his wedding day and he is pressed for time. Get it? “Pressed for time”?
50. A yaar is required to share these yaar codes with as many yaars as he can.