Crafting The Dream Guy By BrownGirlDaily
Here’s how it typically works:
1) I’m an idealist, who still believes love can be found in your 30s. Or later…
2) I want to believe in the best of people and give the benefit of the doubt. No one should judge your actions as I’ve probably done the same. Well, not really, but still.
3) I am stricken with doubts. Why didn’t he call tonight? Has he met someone else? I know he said he’ll call me tomorrow, so chill out! Who do I think I am thinking every man is a troll online and off???
4) I begin to romanticize how he must be thinking of me and can’t wait to call me back to give the details on the night out even though we’ve met twice in life and truly aren’t even close to establishing a committed relationship, despite the fact we talk every day and text in between.
And just like that, I’ve fallen prey to the tragic trappings of the carefully crafted online façade posed by my hypothetical dream guy.
Oh, sweet lime, admit it: You’ve done this too — suddenly gotten those dizzy doubts over some two-dimensional, plumped up profile of a guy that you swear you ‘understood’ better than most of his girlfriends, best buds, and even some drunk dial, consigliore on stand-by when needed. In a romantic slump or not, we, gals, all want to believe.
So, here’s why I sit here today, sadly dazed and confused over the commonly misaligned, albeit all-important, sets the tone for that obscure-but-awesome “we” moment…the birthday call.
If you’ve been following my tweets, you’ll know how I spent nearly 5 months swooning over Dr. Raj (tweets 3819-4756). He was glaringly handsome, showed unparalleled chivalry, and was a progressively minded conversationalist, who kept me glued to my headset ‘til the wee hours of the morning. He was that some kind of perfect combination of smarts and looks and poise. We disclosed past dating woes, career insecurities, and even how both our Daddy’s sky-high expectations had irreversibly set into motion an ingrained relentless fear of failure. You’re Desi. You get this.
About 2 months after our initial encounter, and 1200 text messages laced between the daily calls (NY to LA), his birthday was upon us. This one date, one Sunday, one moment that will determine our flirtatious future. Call to early? I’ll look explicitly clingy. Call to late? This will signal I tried too hard to wait, but did, so that he thinks that I didn’t think about his bday, when really, we all know…I’ve been thinking about it for the 6 days prior. Call mid-day? And, interrupt his work? So, when to call?
Screw it. I took advantage of PST, and faked a work deadline, calling at 9:00 pm to wish him happy, happy birthday. Thinking I scored, I actually failed. I got the empty abyss of the voicemail. Thankfully, I got a return text saying he was out with friends. Sigh…I hope he has fun! And, now he’ll know I made the effort to call at midnight…how sweet is he? Or was he? See, he never called that night. Or, the day after. But, being the naive girly girl I am, I chalked it up to busy birthday festivities, forgave the silence, and wished him well…3 days later. That was September.
It’s now April. I had forgotten all about this seemingly insignificant call until this past weekend. See, Doc G is my local go to guy for guy stuff. Sure, he occasionally sends drunk texts and checks in every few days, but, nothing more than a friendly peck on the cheeks for us. He, like many of us, is also trying to date online. Sure, all of us have tried our deft hand at Shaadi, Match, eHarmony, DesiSpark or even TwoMangoes.
As expected, the weekend brought a smashing birthday party at his newly designed posh home. The vodka was free flowing, Gagaloo’s videos blaringly projected onto the wall, and a pre-pubescent Calvin Klein model gave us an awesome navel gazing show. And, then came midnight. By now, Doc G had more than his share of mojito-tinis, that stupid combination that only makes sense to blender-happy morons after 12:00 am. As I caught him in the corner, drunkenly canoodling some equally inebriated gori, it hit me like a Mack truck!
I happen to know Doc G has been dating online, and so wondered was there some younger version of me sitting home on this merry Saturday night stridently thinking what I had once thought? I’ll send him a bday text…I hope he’s having fun with his friends! I can’t wait to hear about his party!!!
The crafted online persona. A dangerous design of letting a girl believe who you really may to be in life, but as I saw this life from the other side, I was scrupulously saddened. Here was Doc G getting ready to bed some trampy firangi, while some clueless Desi damsel was prolly sitting at home thinking he’s partying it up with his best buds from NY.
How many times did I falsely believe what a man told me? I thought back to that one September Sunday night. I, too, thought, how nice of Dr. Raj to text me back. But, now I couldn’t help but wonder, did he, too, have a hussy hanging on his neck? And, I just never knew about it?
I don’t fault the boys. If they’re feeling a sudden gravitational desire to make that physical, one night ‘connection’ and it’s likely based on a parsing loneliness or horniness or narcissism, I get it. Boys will be boys. But, what sheared like a shrapnel was just how more often than not, the person online is so not the person in person.
In the end, I know I’ll never know the truth behind the façade a suitor presents online. This simple replay of actions demonstrated just how fragile the fallacy of online dating can be. Look, there are very few absolutes in life. But, being able to wholeheartedly trust a man online has become a halfhearted attempt today.
I don’t think its true that “boys will be boys”. I think its an excuse we give ourselves as women so that we can, like you said, continue to believe that there is a guy out there for us. Its disappointing that in our modern day it has become even more socially acceptable for men to act like a complete oversexualized baffoon, and us desi women have to maintain this impossible puritanical sensuality in order to get a guy interested beyond a few dates. Whatever. I’m over it.
This article has good points, but it is written from a woman’s perspective. If I had the time, I can list hundreds of things women do that annoy us. Yes, there are stupid men out there just as there are stupid women. This issue is a lot more philosophical to me. People need to stop wasting time looking for a partner to be happy. There’s a whole fucking world out there full of things to do. If all you’re doing is working and waiting for a person to come along to make you happy, you really aren’t enjoying life. There’s more to life than just finding some “soulmate” or whatever. Go out and do stuff and be happy.
Rahul, I respect your opinion and agree that women can do things that are “annoying” and even just as morally deviant as men.
However, I do not think most people out there that are actively looking for a partner are doing so because they aren’t happy with themselves. As much as we travel, go out and experience, and live our lives, we all inevitably get cloistered off in our own little private worlds as singles. For me it has always been about finding someone that can enrich my life in some way and possibly show me the world in a completely different lens. And i think that is an essential part of the beauty of life and living itself.
I am back. I am gonna schedule a group cry on shaadi.com . Videos of individuals whaling over one hour are encouraged, but please no glycerine. And please make them look original if they are not. More details to follow later.
And sincere apologies from distracting from the really jivy discussion, please carry on.
BGD, that made no sense whatsoever.
what does Optimus Prime have anything to do with this?
Optimus Prime = Hit me like a mack truck
If i read this right, you are upset because a douchebag friend of yours is macking it to girls online but making out with white girls in real life. You are sad because you think ur man is doing the same?
I don’t think all guys are like that though. A lot of guys end up doing that stuff simply bc they get drunk.
People need to seriously stop using the “I was drunk” card as if it was a “get out of jail free card”. I hate people that do that. You did something wrong because you lack character not because you drank a magic juice that made you do it.
People also need to stop wasting their time over people who are douchebags/bitches. Don’t spend months chasing after someone who is only leading you on and then blame them for it.
I don’t understand this article at all…she is upset about something that’s all in her head.
You should only worry about things you can control or influence. If you worry about dumb things like this it’ll just give you unneeded stress.
You can’t blame a guy for getting some. Talking to someone online is not the same as being in a relationship. You do realize you are not actually dating this guy right? From what I read you are just “talking”. Have the conversation with him. Tell him shit or get off the pot.
If you been talking to him for months and he didn’t officially ask you out. He’s leading you on. He’s keeping you around but when something better comes along he’s going to give you the talk. You could use this time to look for someone else.
Listen girl, you need to start dating more than one guy and stop blaming online sites as a reason for why guys are dating multiple girls because guess what – girls are doing it too!
You should have 4 to 5 guys on the go at once, then you will never sit home and wonder why one of the guys didn’t text you back. This will also stop you from liking one guy more than another and furthermore allow you to see who stands out and tries to win you over.
Don’t get stuck with texting or messaging guys, force the face to face as soon as possible, you should also try throwing some local guys into the mix as well – don’t rely solely on online sites to meet guys.
Hope this helps! Cheer up buttercup.
HK
As I recall from the last few Brown Girl Daily Articles…Curry Bear mentioned that BGD does not leave comments on the site. So the comment above by “BGD” is the same guy from the last few post.
->Samir: Am trying to answer and appreciate all that is written & suggested above. As for my CB stalker, my twit stalkers are more far articulate & stealth than this homey.
->Hard Kaur: Agree with your suggestion. But, I’m not a huge fan of buffet dating. Unless I get a personal assistant to help wade through the series of stories/calls, I can’t manage the work. Diversify the time & hedge your bets. A sound strategy by all means.
->Meera: You had me at “to act like a complete oversexualized baffoon” I’ve got a girl crush on you, dearie…
->Pac: Agreed. I don’t fault men for their choices. The subtle anger threaded in between the context is directed at myself for weaknesses stated above. In other words, I am the fool, not them.
->Rahul, would LOVE to hear what I do to annoy men. I even asked my guy friends to go on a faux date with me & grade me afterwards. I know I suck at dating. Strategic competitive risk analysis I rock at. But, ask me to figure out if a guy will call me back? I’m lost.
OMG BGD!
Its NOT buffet dating – its SMART dating.
In your case though since you are not great at “dating” I would further suggest that you just try to meet as many guys as possible and focus on having fun. This will help you loosen up and care less about the end result.
HK
Here’s something I wish girls would do more often. Just ask men where you think things are going and just be direct about EVERY FUCKING THING. If you’re in your 30s, you shouldn’t be playing games like you’re in middle school. If the guy isn’t direct, then stop wasting your time and find something better. Stop blaming the guy for wasting your time, when in reality, you’re wasting your own time chasing something that doesn’t look promising. A real man would give a straight answer instead of being ambiguous.
I agree with Rahul except…when you are direct with a guy. Just don’t have a bitch face on. Just be relaxed and smile and just ask him. That way it won’t seem like an ultimatum. Just because you need to be direct does not mean you need to put on the child safety locks on in the car and force him to answer you.
If he says he does not know where it’s going. Tell him you are going to pursue other more promising avenues. But you can’t be bluffing you have to be totaling willing to move on. No games. Be direct but lose the “Bitch Face”.
So this time it took internatti’s only 18 posts to figure out this BGD is different than the original author. Which is 1000 less posts than last time. Great ! Original Dhillon, I never intended to be evasive in the first place , DUH !
In all honesty, I am very sympathetic with her but I sort of completely agree with Samir that straight questions need to be asked but done gently. I mean if the other person cant be sweet during marriage talk in asking “are you seeing someone else” or “where do you see this going”, do you really think this person will be standing by your side when you have other lows in life. I mean people have their low moments and they don’t know what their heart wants and need time to figure stuff out but if the other person ( guy or gal ) cant see this, then I think you should end it.
Besides, there are plenty of women out there who are doing marriage more because of pressure from society or they are plain lonely and horny or for the all mighty dollar rather than wanting to find their soulmate and spend a happy life. In this case, if I saw signs to this early on I would end it.
Rahul/Samir: Well said. Agreed on both counts, though some of us are born with that face
I keed, I keed. But, I do know when I have been direct with a guy, it has only sent him scurrying off like a antsy squirrel. After reading your previous comments, I realized that I don’t want immature boys. A man would have answered honestly. But, I think the most important here is…are you guys single?
“Strategic competitive risk analysis”..Didn’t you study one should specialize in tasks which one is good at. This way society is better off!!!..I think you should increase your focus on “Strategic competitive risk analysis” and leave dating to others who are good at it !!!
Haha yes I am single but I don’t do long distance. Sorry. Truth is a lot of guys don’t do long distance but never straight up tell you. They always think oh what’s the harm in keeping that to myself. They think they are being nice but really they are accidentally leading you on. If it’s kismat and you happen to move to NYC give me a call.
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First of all, i really love the way you write. Anyhow that’s besides the point here so moving, i actually totally agree with you..I guess i somehow blame both the sexes for this, because for some reason, most girls have this romantic idealistic setup in their head on how they will meet someone and have this amazing “connection” and things will just unravel and work out. And in that search for “connection”, we first of all fool ourselves thinking that we have it with some random guy who we might have just had a simple almost formal conversation wtih..And obviously to continue believing that, we have to overlook a lot of things, and continuously keep giving someone the benefit of a doubt..
I don’t know if i make sense but i guess what i am trying to say is, i am sure somewhere in the back of your head, you knew that he was’nt really the real deal, maybe u also had thought of the distinct possibility that he might be groping some chick on his birthday while msging you back…However, it does get hard to meet people after you are done with school and college and stuck in your routine and meeting people online is really a good way..Yes its hard to believe, and yes maybe more often than not- many of those ppl turn out to be jerks but i guess you continue giving it a shot till you meet someone who is’nt actually groping another girl while msging back..right?
and that being said, i hope i don’t sound sexist..and men and women all have flaws and i hate using the “boys will be boys” excuse to let men get away with flaws and that works both ways..
so hang on, and trust me i think most desi single girls have been in your spot or are in your spot..
this article is so retarded. is this girl blaming the guy for not being interested in her?