ICL to IRL Syndrome By Brown Girl Daily
I confess a secret. In addition to never have been married, divorced, or widowed, I’ve got even less baggage in my mid 30s – I’ve never had an LDR (long distance relationship). Well, not one that was intended to be a clearly labeled, easily defined one.
They say 1 in 5 people use online dating sites as an efficient means of meeting people within the same caliber of choice. I don’t get the 21 year old Desi boys on Shaadi.com, who should be getting drunk and haranguing local college belles. But, I do get the 30+ career obsessed guy, who spent the last 6 years completing some niche residency in the Midwest. I do get the 40+ divorced executive, who may even have a kid to entertain & ex-wife to restrain. I even get the 50+ Unclejis, who click n’ point for companionship. But, what I don’t get is how people change from ICL (in cyber life) to IRL (in real life). Are some people simply better on screen then in person?
I’m on Shaadi.com. And, from what I gather thus far, Shaadi.com profiles—pumped-up personal ads—are to many in their thirties and beyond what poetry once was, before bare words lost their cachet. On screen, Photoshopped pics appear fresh-faced and hopeful. A resume reads like an Indian Daddy’s ego-filled dream, complete with advanced degrees received from top ranked colleges, a public position that immediately makes me Google-able.
Who knows, maybe even you, dear reader, may have seen my stint on CNN? About me: I love to cook. No really, I do – matter paneer, gourmet pakoras, and any type of parantha imaginable. I weigh less your 18-year-old sister, even in my 30s. And, I’ve got the clearest skin seen outside a Cover Girl ad. When I speak with a prospect, our conversations last hours, as we discuss the exotic places I’ve traveled (and gotten kicked out of), the pristine values I uphold, the bohemian free-spirited giggles that pique your interest. Witty prose via texts once upon a time led to a $213 phone bill! Electronically, I’m Penelope Cruz at a Weinstein cocktail party! I exude charm, wit, and exuberance without a hint of acerbity. In reality? I’m not so sure…
Going from ICL to IRL sets your expectations into a hellish overdrive. The all-important first date now becomes the defining moment for both. I went on a first date from Shaadi.com and didn’t even think his ICL persona would be so very different from his IRL persona:
1.
ICL: Buffed up biceps and pecs burgeoning through his tightly fitted t-shirt defo meant he works out. The bod rocked.
IRL: What the pudge? He showed up wearing sloppy rags & ill-fitting chinos, through which an over-sized, hairy beer belly peeked through all night.
2.
ICL: Side-tilted cocky smile was the stuff of Bolly heros. Salman ain’t got nothing on his smirk.
IRL: Crooked, stained teeth with shaggy, unkempt hair that looked like my granny’s mustard oil recipe was adding the additional, unwanted shine.
3.
ICL: Drunk dials that proved his endearing & faithful self, as I breathed a sigh of relief when he texted at 1:00 am home alone and wasn’t hanging with out some late night floozy.
IRL: Taking texts from the drunken buddies at a sports bar when he was supposed to be swooning over my new $300 DvF wrap dress meant for easy, breezy viewing?
4.
ICL: Soul-baring insecurities, deep dark secrets shared, and family tribulations uncovered meant we related, we understood, we empathized.
IRL: Vodka-glazed eyes begin snooping lower and lower as the night got longer and louder.
Between us, the 6”2 ft tall, 33 year old, Ivy grad, private jet flyin’ physician left me with a suffusive, disgusted wretch. He looked nor acted nothing like his pumped up profile nor his witty conversations. So much for being so-called family friends with Madhuri Dixit, as he was proclaimed…I actually wonder he had Google open during our verbal volleying on Oscar Wilde, as he certainly showed off an encyclopedic command of the author’s literary anecdotes and reveries. On the screen, he met those annoying attributes comprising that mental checklist — encompassing dreamful height, caste, schooling — we painstakingly click off when searching for the elusive ‘one.’
They say pictures speak 1000 words. But, what happens when those words are spoken in person? Why do people live so comfortably behind the screen and so awkwardly in real life? How does that frankly jerkish attitude not peer through Skype? Online, he’s that superstar Shah Rukh Khan – tall, dark, handsome stranger who’s able to sweep you off your feet even far away in Chandigarh. Offline, he’s your average 5”8 ft, big-nosed, grumpy Honda Hero, who you’d never glance at twice.
I don’t think anything can beat a real time interaction. But, when dating online is the most efficient method of ruling out the ‘you’ll-never-have-a-chance’ guys, who have nothing in common with me or my goals, I feel as I have no choice but to continue. Maximize distribution channels, as we say at work. Shopping on Shaadi.com is a generic, obviously addictive way to troll with the utmost precision. I mean, I pause at albums in which 3 pics or less lead to some hypothetical half full glass of hope that is sadly rendered plp plp plp in real life. Still, I must get my shop on even while afflicted with a mild case of profilephobia.
As for the dizzying byways of ICL, I throw up my hands in Punjabi female bewilderment. It is a point of honor with profiles online—as with resumes and bio anything—to read beyond the lines (on screen and on his face) and expect some half-ass version of suitor to arrive. Whether it be feigned idiocy or faux innocence, I do wonder if some of us are simply better digitally, not personally. Dr. Hairy Belly, you certainly were…
Don’t forget to follow us on twitter: @BrownGirlDaily & @CurryBear
hahaha i love the ICL vs IRL part hahaha.
EEEEEK! Hairy belly? How about that guy who shows up 3 inches shorter? Or, says has a crack in his tooth??? OMG, OMG, this is hillarrs! Every word rings so true!!! Why can’t you guys just be honest???
I would like to know what guys think of girls on there. Probably hear a similar story from them
Look, I got put a stop to Bukwas Gee Dhillon (BGD) from the South Punjab of US of A before she maligns desi men to cover up he own follies at getting married.
People, this woman has lost it because shaadi.com cant get her laid. Sister, try other avenues, friends, family you have back home that you are too uptight to call (Umreekan you say ?)
And please stop the Carey from Sex and the City, I AM ON A LAPTOP TRYING TO FIGURE OUT RELATIONSHIPS AFTER I JUST GOT MY COOCHIE FILLED WITH A FEDERAL EXPRESS PACKAGE routine.
If you are trying to marry a desi, know what it means, it is not a “moderate mix of eastern and western values”,. Shaadi is a means to finding the other half of your soul to fulfill purpose destined by A higher power ( too heady right? I know. But it won’t be if your parents actually whupped your ass as a kid and thought you real hinduism and a tiny side effect would be, you wont call a pandit YODA, I wander…)
I hate these effin ABCD women!!!!
And i swear to god if I could type this in Hindi, I would have driven my message straight through with just a few words
RONA BAND KAR AUR SHAADI KARLE
It was only a matter of time before BGD would get some haters. Haters are your biggest fans in disguise. I love that the same guy comes on this site and comments about how much he hates ABCDs yet he’s on here giving the site more hits and more comments. You want to hurt curry bear then you should ignore his site. People read your comments and just laugh at you that you would put in the time and energy to do so and obviously you write these things bc the site annoys you…so i take great pleasure in the fact that everything cb or BGD writes annoys you.
“Online, he’s that superstar Shah Rukh Khan – tall, dark, handsome stranger who’s able to sweep you off your feet even far away in Chandigarh. Offline, he’s your average 5”8 ft, big-nosed, grumpy Honda Hero, who you’d never glance at twice.”
To play the Devil’s Advocate, maybe you’re a little shallow. Maybe the guy really has a great personnality and charm and he’s just too shy to open up on a first “real life” date?
To Adam – an expected impotent response/reverse logic from an ABCD male. Not much to say. And I am not the same person as other FOBs trying to hate on ABCDs.
Bro, say a mantar before to hojaye choomantar, LOL
To BG Dhillon – 98% of your non Zappo wearing brethern all over the planet feel that marriage as something divine. All I was trying to do (and same without much success with other “superior”BCD ) is to avoid you getting white while getting whitewashed, but alas your twitter comments ( http://twitter.com/browngirldaily/status/25345829149614081 )
And one more thing, I am not average in real life
Let me know of you want to have a little showdown with me and I might actually join twitter AUR ladayi karte hain
I know a lot of people comment on this site about being shallow and too abcd and not whatever it is you want it to be but you do realize this is a comedy website. Those lines you find shallow or horrible ABCD mentality are usually jokes to make the reading go down easier. At least that’s the way I take them.
The reason i read this site rather than sepiamutiny or other site is because the site doesn’t take itself seriously. It’s like watching the daily show and expecting real news. Yes sometimes they do give you real news but it’s comedy first and news second. This site is the same way. Am I the only one realizing it’s suppose to sound this way?
ANyways great article. I enjoyed reading it.
comedy with a hidden purpose.
Whenever an abcd gets cornered maligning his own, it’s comedy time right ? Classic abcd…
If you ever read BrownGirl’s tweeps, which are from real life, you will understand her misplaced sentiments. This was just to have a meaningful discussion with second generation squabs….
lmao hahah classic abcd? haha omg this guy is hilarious. He needs to make his own blog and call it the angry fob. It cracks me up how upset he gets over the dumbest things.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Curry Bear, Curry Bear, Angry Brown Girl, Curry Bear and others. Curry Bear said: This kind of relates to our conversation yesterday @AngryBrownGirl @jammabear @XOXOsukanya @ChaiChatter @pareshg http://shar.es/XB0gg [...]
ABCD is to Hinduism (another white term ) is like a snake is to snake child. The second ones are sweet and innocent while the first one is a complete pu$$y for eating someone weaker rather than fight another species ( race ) and protect its own.
BTW, Anonymous bro I feel your pain. You saw your dad abuse your mom when they came to Umreeka and that drove you away from Indian culture right ? Right into the arms of your scrony white 16 year old mayonese tooth GF who gave you your first and ( since then only ) erection ?
And looks brave BrownGirl did not take me on for a little fight ? Awww…. Its over the internet, its not like I will make you sweep the floor with a mat made from dowry $s .
[...] it here. It’s hilarious and [...]
lol sorry bro…i guess we ABCDs have too much stuff going on in our horrible lives to engage in a retarded internet fight hahah you are hilarious tho. so much anger in ur post. I literally imagine steam coming off the top of ur head as ur are typin this.
Guys seriously don’t listen to him. I’m an international student and we don’t all think like him. We are actually very friendly and have no problems w abcds many of them are friends w me. Also I think I know him. He is from Canada I don’t know why he talks about abcd if he is from there.
This is LESS about BGD & more about why do guys exaggerate online??? All of us have seen this crap!!! The guy says “he’s tall” & then shows up 5″8ft!!!
I’m with Adnan! People don’t get the irony of CB/BGD.
[...] ICL to IRL syndrome – a witty look at what happens when you actually meet people IRL from ICL by Brown Girl Daily on CurryBear. [...]
This is awesome and so true. There is definitely a huge difference between online and offline personalities. I think it has to do with the fact that we have more time to think about putting together our best selves (or in most cases a made up version of ourselves). Online is an amazing place to meet people but nothing will beat the in person interaction where you can’t hide who you truly are.
Good luck @browngirldaily – keep up the great blogs and tweets!
Jas
I think all this ABCD talk is a little ridiculous.
I don’t see how what is written in this blog “maligns desi men”..because It’s all true! I myself was also on shaadi.com, and have seen a bit into other American dating/matrimonial sites as well. What’s being said here in reference to Shaadi is true everywhere – it has nothing to do with being desi or American or from any other culture/background. **FALSE ADVERTISEMENT** so many people are guilty of it – and how could we expect anything different? Of course there are going to be people who neatly wrap their “biodata” with a big shiny fake bow to make themselves more marketable – you tellin me you never embellished on a resume or lied at a job interview?
It’s easy for people to use the internet as a way to portray a stronger image of themselves. Just as BGD is doing when he makes reference to Anonymous’ abusive father and (I believe the word you were looking for is “scrawny”) hypothetical girlfriend. I doubt that would have been said had we all been sitting in person, because it is rude, offensive and completely irrelevant.
If this really was “just to have a meaningful discussion”, then you would have displayed a little bit of respect to the writer and the readers alike. Instead, it is my opinion that you are so irate because the words that were written in the blog probably hit a little too close to home and the insulting and degrading way in which you speak to others is a defense mechanism used to conceal your own insecurities. Perhaps browngirldaily is not responding because it is pointless to “fight” with you when all you do is attack the people who you inaccurately refer to as “ABCD’s”, rather than saying something meaningful that might add some proper insight which is what a healthy debate would normally consist of.
I am an American Born Desi, but I am in no way confused my friend..
Anyway, all that ranting aside.
@browngirldaily
Like I mentioned early on, I was also on Shaadi. I agree that sometimes we have no choice but to keep weeding through until something gives. I am currently talking to someone who I’ve met through Shaadi (I from the US, he from Canada). So far through email, fb, phone calls, texting and Skype – this guy is amazing. Just this morning, I received a delivery of a lil bear and some cookies from him – he had jumped through hoops for a couple weeks trying to find out the address to my office without me knowing so he could send me something to make me smile. My ex boyfriend who I had met in person and lived 20 mins away from never had anything delivered to me on my birthday, let alone just because. He and I are trying to plan for him to come out here and meet me. I have so much faith that he will be just as amazing in person, that I will need serious counseling if I turn out to be wrong! Wish me luck, although I don’t think I’ll need it – I’ll keep you posted
@BGD – I am cracking up…!
RONA BAND KAR AUR SHAADI KARLE…hahaha.
I like Indian sense of humor
NickyDavi,
I got leaf with a lot of what you have to say but won’t bring it out as I, an Indian born and brought up there, feel a lot of stuff you should stand for is absent given western upbringing and being close to the moral/society value system present here. At the end of it you are almost forced to believe in the Hindu way of life but can’t reason why because you were not brought up in Hindustan and the key is you don’t have much respect for that system given the amount of disdain the society here has for our religion and culture. I bet you made fun of it and worst yet joined in with white people when they ripped on our way of life, no matter how trivial. No balls to stand up to them, is it, Nicky Courageous?
It is almost you have to make a choice without much reasoning behind it, either you support Hindu Dharm or you don’t. Making some middle ground peace by cherry picking things you will do and leaving the rest still does not count as support.
Lastly, all this arguing back and forth on what is the best way forward for us as a people, where marriage is a small part of carrying forward culture and making more people, is useless. People need might to move forward and make a difference not wade around in uglybear’s currypool to rationalise how to keep sanity in a rotten western world and pseudo abcds’ spawned in it.
Having lived here for a long time and interacted very,very closely with the through-and-through westerners, I will say that many real educated westerners are very genuine (as in a person). Pretty dignified and decent too.
Alas however, the ABCD pool missed something SO substantial (well, and their parents too). 12 years+ and going in this country, and I am YET to meet a genuine human being amongst the ABCDs.
Why insult westerners by comparing them to ABCDs..?
Look at the majority of posts on CBs blog – most of them are sexual. They ain’t got the brains to think beyond this – not their fault.
Not that all the current generation FOBs are genuine.
Apparently, there are quite a few that will keep the current ABCD-pool-like-people thriving and multiplying for generations to come. And those FOBs are here already!
you do realize that if you come to a blog over and over and over again…just to bash it and say how much you hate it..that means YOU ARE A TROLL.
You do realize you are making fobs look bad right? Why are you so angry? You think calling people names is going to make them change their ways? Do you think it’s going to make you feel better? Bc it’s going to do neither of those things. You are a sad sick little man.
White people don’t respect us from within and even if they do they don’t do much to mend their wretched past with us.
FOBS are a majority pal…. And I am trying awaken the wretched souls into realizing a higher purpose
Actually no – I don’t come here often – first time here yesterday.
The point is not all FOBs can be generalized as genuine. Although there are some really nice FOBs.
And YES, venting makes you feel better.
I don’t know BGD – I disagree about your comments pertaining to white-people. I happen to work in an elite organization with very sharp/brainy people from everywhere, and many white people (as you call them) are quite nice – I think it depends on where you encounter them.
An elite organisation = My muslim dad’s gas station with 100k employees ( including 99k roches, 10 k veiled bitches and 1k lousy men with 1/2 inch dicks )
See my point about lost abcd souls
@BGD Being born here does not change where my parents came from and how they raised me. There is nothing that I am more proud of than where I came from. My family are amongst some of the earliest indian families in our area. A family that stood together and held on strong to their beliefs and culture while accepting the westernized culture and way of living that surrounded us, because intolerance after all is not what our religion teaches us. Our family shed many a tear and sweat to found one of the eldest standing Gurdwaras in my city. Our parents spent their lives teaching us how to live honest, morally sound and culture enriched lives. There is not one moment that any disdain that some westerners may have became my own. Theres not a day that went by in my upbringing that I made fun of our heritage or disrespected the “system” of our culture/religion.
You can take the girl out of her culture..but you cant take culture out of the girl.
My dear enraged BGD, the westerners that you are referring to – the ones with disdain that rip our way of life – they are this way because of ignorance, and it is not their fault, it is what they were taught. Ranting and raving and “arguing” is not what is going to move you forward. As it stands now, you’re just as bad if not worse than the westerners/white people that you talk about. If whats really in your heart is a desire to see change, I suggest you stop, take a step back, find peace within yourself…and then teach. Spread your knowledge and love of our culture and background by teaching those around you in a constructive, peaceful way. Get together with your local temple and get involved with the youth – perhaps teach classes or hold religious/cultural retreats or summer camps. Those who are willing to be open and and accepting will listen to you. But how can you accept others to do so, if you aren’t accepting of others? Remember, acceptance doesn’t mean agreement. Live and let live. You may be able to help those who want to change, but let be those who don’t. It’s only making your own heart heavy.
This has completely blown up into something much bigger than the topic of the original blog, so I will end with this one last note: If you really feel that this western world is rotten, perhaps you should go back to the east where you can be happy.
Just an FYI the person posting here as BGD is not Brown Girl Daily who posted this article. It’s just some guy from Canada (yeah he’s not even American) trying to start shit on the site and using those initials. So don’t let it get to you.
Ironically he’s helping this site. Starting flame wars only helps my site get more hits by him commenting and returning to the site to defend himself and commenting again. So thanks for helping this ABCD blog bud.
Curry — PPPPUUUUUHHHHLEEEESE. defending myself, offending people. stop this crap and man up and answer to relevant issues. Americans can live in Canada too, what a shocker ! Curry you should rather cut your damn tongue off rather than opine here or for that matter anywhere.
Nicky Sister Girl el coochie kripan, Sorry but you asked for it –
“Being born here does not change where my parents came from and how they raised me” — complete shit because even if 2 exact species with the same dna (hypothetically) grown in different parts of the world will come up differently. You are not an Indian in any sense of the word.
“accepting the westernized culture and way of living that surrounded us, because intolerance after all is not what our religion teaches us” — another twisted idea. What religious text have you read? Some translation in Hindi probably dictated by a parent/pandit does not count. I doubt your dumbass even got that far. Read one in Sanskrit hopefully in this lifetime and figure out exactly what it says before oyu come out with “acceptance” and “intolerance” drivel. Do you know any gurmukhi or does recognising the writing give you solace, cmon woman ? How old are you ?
“eldest standing Gurdwaras in my city” — OLDEST standing Gurudwara you effin bramjot.
“honest, morally sound and culture enriched lives” – what ? in the all mighty British English language, you effin little muffin
“Theres not a day that went by in my upbringing that I made fun of our heritage or disrespected the “system” of our culture/religion.” – are you confirming that you did make fun of hindu/sikh culture or did your middle finger end up in your asshole again ???? typo laiden ho.
“You can take the girl out of her culture..but you cant take culture out of the girl.” — and what do you do with a male middle finger and a girl ??? stop typing random shit and stick to relevant issues
“ignorance, and it is not their fault” — lets kick their mayo colored asses and cut a few heads off ? rest of the ignorants will fall in line, nahi … oooopppps no ?
“Spread your knowledge ….. religious/cultural retreats or summer camps….. your own heart heavy” – goes back to my earlier point of you not reading the religious text in the original language and thinking hindu/sikh religion is about holding hands and peace…. Seriously wtf ???? Hinduism has been around for 10k+years and Sikhism for 500 years and all of it is not holding hands… …. Read some goddamn history book for once…. God if I was sitting alone with you your ass would hurt like dharti maa after a meteor shower — LOL
“If you really feel that this western world is rotten, perhaps you should go back to the east where you can be happy.” – but not before collecting what they stole to build wretchedness and some more for damages
And now a shocking response from curry and other like minded abcd penis heads — he is swearing to cover his own insecurities — LOL
Outrageous response , courageous middle finger — LOL
For someone that was raised in America NickyDavi’s post is loaded with grammatical errors…
CB – not being mean but isn’t it obvious that the person who wrote the post is different from this other BGD?
I think any person with average intelligence can see that.
Anonymous,
What do you mean the “other BGD” ? There is only one BGD posting on this entire article. Curry probably is seeing the IP address as being the same . Ain’t that right, curry ?
I think if someone took the time to read each comment they would realize that the BGD that wrote the article is not the same one commenting. But if you glanced at the comments it looks like its the same. I think he’s just being safe than sorry.
Did that BGD guy just refer to himself as American even tho he’s bashing the american way and life from Canada and is a fresh off the boat? lol
Wow. What are you trying to accomplish by posting such angry comments. Bc i’ll tell you right now…no ones taking what u say seriously.
And stop picking on a girl. Seriously.
Americans can say what they want about their way of life. Does someone staying in Canada always Canadian — abcd tom foolery
“Noone is taking me seriously” — yet they come back and reply
“And stop picking on a girl. Seriously.” — awwww…..
so what ? no abcd got a pair of nuts or they won’t dignify my post with an answer — LOL
Wow CB, you tweet a lot – what do you do for a living? You seem to have too much time.
Busy doing nothing, but tweeting?
Funny you think BGD is this way because he could never get laid – your tweet response to the “very morally raised” NickyDavi.
How hard can it be to get laid (uh moron!) – you seem to have a go at every thing/it (read that Minnie gupta thingy, who probably slept around with men her grandpa’s age too).
Just so you know, it is hard to have and live with standards – which you don’t. Doesn’t take much to get laid.
You sound like a bigger idiot with that response.
TN,
Curry is the same guy who has posted elsewhere on this site that he could not get IT up during exam time when he was a little pooh bear. Honestly, I don’t really read his tweets until you pointed them out.
Look, curry has never responded to actual arguments because deep down he knows he is a sell-out involuntaire’ to western thought process. And the more my posts remind him/Nicky/BGD on how they don’t abide by customs of the motherland, the more pissed of they get it. So much for being American and supporting freedom of speech, lil hairballs !!!
He just likes to stay brainwashed because he “can’t handle the truth” (now please don’t ask what truth dyslexic lil curry). He knows he/Nicky grew up not learning how to read/write Hindi/Gurmukhi and their kids will be more lost than ever ( I am sure they will respond by saying, how ??? predictable mofos ). All he does is follow white people and whenever it becomes obvious that he is copying them, he brings up the fact that he is Indian ( yah right ) and does something trivial to prove it like “oh! I like Samosas” ( Nicky ). Or I wish “Gandhi was around to kick your ass” — his tweet to Indian govt. asking NRIs for passports — nice way to show respect to an elderly gentlemen to stay the least, pencil dick bear ( honestly you need to post all these synonyms I made for you on your next article called “Call Signs of Curry Who ?” )
Now, just see they will respond with pansy comebacks — BGD is a hater, BGD is Canadian ( honestly how to f they figured this one out. Why ? Because an ip address is Canadian ? It reflects more on their intellect than me being Canadian/American/Indian ), BGD is …. Blah Blah Blah , complete nonsense without any real argument
And did you know, now that I did read curry’s tweets after your comments, he could not take my writings and wanted to ban lil ole IP me….. me, poor BGD from California who can’t get married …. me, poor BGD who cries because Dr. R never called back….. and me, poor BGD who will cry some more after this post… uh wait … here I go………
Hopefully, you pick up the humour in this post TN, because curry made this site so that the reading goes down light, right hairnuts ?