The Best Worst Man by Billal
Billal’s been writing a lot of articles for me recently. It’s making me lazy to write my own articles (as if I wasn’t lazy before). Billal’s like my young Padawan and here’s the latest article by him.
The Worst Best Man Speech Ever
Ali and John have been best friends ever since college. Five years later Ali met Zarah and they decided to get married. John was asked by Ali to give a speech at this Pakistani wedding. John doesn’t bother doing his research or preparing because he figures he’s got this thing on lock down. What ensues is the worst best man speech ever given at a Desi wedding. Enjoy.
Aslamalakium you terrorists and women of oppression, haha, only kidding. I’m John, Ali’s best friend, and I will be your white infidel speaker for this evening. I would ask that you all please hold your applause and celebratory AK47 gunfire until after I’ve finished my speech. Remember to switch of your cell phones and detonators; we don’t want either going off and interrupting the wedding; I’m looking at you guy in the turban [points at the Imam]. Now when Ali told me he was marrying Zarah I was surprised. I thought these things were usually arranged, or at least there was some exchange of cattle and spices, but apparently not. Ali and Zara have chosen to marry each other under the modern western principles of compatible income and similar attractiveness; “love” as they call it. When Ali first met Zarah he told me that she had the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. [Crowd goes “awwww”] Ali must be a true gentleman, because I’m looking at Zarah right now, and the 2 spherical objects that pop out to me are definitely not her eyes. [The crowd gasps, except for one uncle who nods his head and air gropes Zarah]
To be honest, I always thought that Ali might be a gay, or as you people would say, “someone who is a bachelor after 30” But then on June 8th, 2005 Ali started dating the most beautiful, funny, intelligent, and charming woman that I have ever met. [Zarah blushes and smiles]. But after Ali dumped that chick, he hooked up with this real nasty skank named Zarah! [Zarah’s jaw drops]. Hey Ali, I know Muslims can’t eat pork, so it must be super wrong for you to be marrying that PIG! [points at the bride]. Only joking Zarah, you’re the best looking “6” in this room. [Zara starts crying and John continues]. Now, I know Muslims don’t believe in sex before marriage, and honestly, after looking at Zara, I’m not so sure about sex after marriage. I kidd of course; I would definitely have sex with Zarah, in fact, I did! And let me tell you Ali, don’t except too much on the honeymoon, she just lays there and barks orders at you. Well, at least it’s something you’re used too.
But enough about the bride, lets talk about the groom. You may not know this but Ali used to be a little bi-curious. But don’t worry Aunties and Uncles, from what I hear he’s satisfied that curiosity [Ali buries his face in his hands.] Speaking of Ali’s homosexual tendencies, I noticed he rode here on a white horse, which is strange, because his preference is usually a black stallion. And now he’s marrying Zarah, so he went from riding a horse to the wedding, to riding an elephant on the honey moon. Seriously Zarah, you need to cut down on the mango chutney cheese cake. Now I know that Ali has a certain image in all our eyes. He’s the perfect son, the perfect gentleman, and a devout Muslim. But did you know Ali has a dark side? I’ve seen Ali eat bacon sandwiches, take the prophets name in vein, and do a line of cocaine off a strippers back. And let me tell you, that was one of the craziest bachelor parties ever! That thing she did with the ping pong balls was insane son!
And so to end this speech, I would just like to show you a few hilarious Danish cartoons depicting your prophet Mohammad, hahaha, I joke, seriously I don’t want to die. But I would like to leave everyone with some words of wisdom. Now I wasn’t sure what to say, so I consulted the website “www.currybear.com” and to quote the singer Imran Khan, I would just like to say to all of you, “Teri ma de puddha phenchodda ja amir khan da lan choosh tern phen ne wi lun chooseai mera” I’m not sure what the direct translation is, but currybear.com assures me no one will ever forget these words.
Thank you, and stay classy Baghdad!