Back when I was in college, I had a habit of giving nicknames to every girl my friends and I used to meet. Each girl was given a unique name to help us better remember her. We once met a girl in the laundry room and since then we called her “laundry girl”. Then there was a girl we called “super girl”. Why? Because one day during lunch we saw her go in the bathroom wearing a sweater and a pair of glasses, and then come back out looking much better. And then there was math girl (who was dumb at math), 6th floor girl (because she was the hottest girl on the 6th floor), stubby-neck girl (the name says it), stupid-fob girl and many more. But lately, I’ve developed a new system to nickname girls. I’ve started naming girls after TV stations. You see, amongst any group of friends, I’ve observed that there exists a certain type of girl, which I’ve classified below. I want to share this with you so you can start your friends nicknames and make fun of them behind their back.
The Gossip Queen – We all know a girl who has all the latest news and gossip. She is up to date on everybody’s business and is the first one to find out who slept with who or who just broke up. Yes, she knows all this even before it goes on a Facebook feed. And anytime you talk to this girl, it’ll be nothing but gossip talk. Usually all gossip queens I’ve met are super-bitches, but that’s not always the case. There are some nice girls I’ve met who just love to gossip. For this reason, I’ve nicknamed these types of girls “CNN”. Why? Because CNN is “the most trusted name in news”.
The Funny Girl – OK I’m going to say something that may sound sexist but it’s true. Women usually aren’t funny, unless they’re lesbians. It’s true. If you ever listen to female comedians, you’ll rarely find them funny. BUT that doesn’t mean that there aren’t any funny girls out there. There are some girls who can crack jokes just as well as guys. I once told a girl that I would stop dating her if she lost a foot. She replied, “well so what? My vagina still works.” So there are funny girls out there and I hope some of you’re lucky to be friends with girls like that. I call these girls “TBS” because the slogan for that network is “Very funny”. These are the kind of girls who you want to be friends with forever.
The Whore/Slut - Who doesn’t know a girl who is a super slut or a mega whore? I read somewhere the difference between a whore and a slut is that a whore will sleep with everybody and a slut is a girl who will sleep with everybody but you. Usually girls develop a reputation of a slut or whore because word about their “hook-ups” and “bang sessions” gets out, thanks to CNN. I know a girl from New York who still looks super-fine but I’ve heard about so many guys who’ve slept with her, I’m scared to touch her. I don’t know what is going down in her District-9. All I can do is poke her on Facebook because Facebook will not give me an STD. I call these girls “Nat-Geo”, which is short for the National Geographic Channel. Why? Because Nat-Geo’s slogan is “dare to explore”. Hmmm….I just got an idea for a new TV show: Man vs. Slut with Curry Bear. Each week I’ll explore a different slut and show you how to have safe sex and navigate around her body so you don’t have itchy, red bumps on your genitals two weeks later.
The Drama Queen – If you’ve never met a girl you can call a drama queen, you have never met a girl. Every girl has drama in her life, otherwise she wouldn’t be a girl. But some just take it to another level. Back when I was in college, we would just watch girls and try to sense the level of drama that is radiating from their bodies. It was comparable to Luke Skywalker feeling the “force” in Star Wars. One girl who lived down the hall was always on her cellphone and yelling at her boyfriend. We nicknamed her “Metal Gear Monica”. If you’ve played Metal Gear Solid, picture a girl walking with an exclamation point on her head and you’ll get the joke. The drama queens are the girls who are constantly surrounded by problems and they can take the most minuscule problem in life and make it into something of great significance to them. I knew a girl who cried because her boyfriend forgot her birthday, which was on the day the poor guy had to take 3 final exams. Then she went to her friends and told them about how he doesn’t love her. I nickname the drama queens TNT. Why? Because like the TV channel, “they know drama.”
Curry Bear will write another entry with any new nicknames I come up with. Feel free to share any of yours.