The Asshole Theory is much like the black hole theory. OK, the Black Hole may not exactly be a theory but for the sake of my cool title let’s pretend it is. Now a black hole is a region of space in which the gravitational field is so powerful that nothing, not even light can escape its pull after having fallen past its event horizon. Now everyone knows that guys are assholes. It’s true, we admit it. We are assholes. The question is, why are we assholes? Is it because girls are bitches? If so what came first, the bitch or the asshole?
It has gotten to the point where it doesn’t make a difference. However, I think everyone starts off in “lovey dovey” mode. They think love is going to be this great thing that will forever change their lives. The guy thinks he is going to do everything in his power for love. Sadly, most guys start out like young Anakin Skywalker but end up like Darth Vader (and his penis turns into the Death Star). A guy will try to be the perfect boyfriend in his first relationship. This is his first mistake because there is no such thing. Every guy starts out as the nice guy. However, we all know that nice guys finish last. Some guys figure this shit out in 5th grade; others find this out on their 5th girlfriend. So if nice guys finish last, and girls love assholes, is there really an incentive to be a nice guy? Every girl says she wants a nice guy, but she can’t shake off her attraction for the bad boy. Sure, girls will date the bad boy, but marry the nice guy. But why should the nice guy get sloppy seconds? Is that what he gets for being nice? It takes a guy his first heartbreak to realize this. Every guy has a turning point where he is turned into an asshole. I call it the “event horizon”. No guy wants to be a bad guy. In fact every guy wants to be a good person, just not a nice person. Don’t confuse being a good person and being a nice person. I repeat, do not confuse being a good guy with being a nice guy. This is the number one mistake made by women.
Now this is how the guy goes past the event horizon. The guy is hurt from a breakup; he decides it’s time to change things. He decides he’s not going to let himself get hurt again. He goes out and makes out, sleeps with, and even lies to other girls. Girls love these guys; we don’t know why but they do and Curry Bear labs is still working on finding the reasoning behind this strange phenomenon. So men become these guys. Now the asshole has a conscience. How does he appease his conscience? He tells himself he is just messing around with these girls. He does not mind being an asshole because deep down he does not care to marry her. He just wants to sleep with her. All the apologizing and begging is just to get back into bed with you or avoid drama. How can the guy look at himself in the mirror after doing this to girls? It’s simple – he convinces himself that these girls are bitches and have done to other guys what his first girl did to him. The asshole then tells himself, “As soon as I find the right girl I will go back to being a nice guy”. This is what keeps him going. The only problem is…he can’t.
By the time the asshole has found the right girl that he would want to marry, he has picked up too many bad habits from his asshole alter ego. He can’t go back to being a nice guy because once you get sucked into the “hole of the ass”, there is no coming back. It’s like a metaphorical suppository. You have gone past the event horizon and you are doomed to remain an asshole throughout your relationship.
According to Einstein’s general theory of relativity, as mass is added to a degenerate star, a sudden collapse will take place and the intense gravitational field of the star will close in on itself. Such a star then forms a “black hole” in the universe.
Same applies for an “asshole” in the universe. Mass asshole tendencies are added to a degenerate guy and a sudden collapse takes place on his morals and the gravitational character of this guy will implode on his personality.
Girls may have turned us into assholes, but it’s our fault we stay assholes. Being an asshole is like being Frodo from Lord of the Rings. Sure when you put on the ring, you feel the power of the precious, but wear it for too long and it consumes you. You will end up alone and looking like GOLLUM. Whose fault is this? Everyone’s and no one’s. I am not defending assholes or denouncing them. I am just explaining the process of how a nice guy becomes an asshole. A lot of today’s problems are continuing because people denounce things, but don’t even try to comprehend the causes. Everything from “Global Warming” to “Terrorism” has a cause and only denouncing it has not really worked for anyone.
One way to save an asshole from reaching the “Event Horizon” is when they are introduced to babies. Now I’m not telling you to get knocked up, but maybe hang out with a guy and his nephew or niece. Perhaps introduce him to your nephew or niece. Guys can’t be assholes around babies. Something about babies suppresses a guys need to be an asshole. When I play with my little nephew, I just want to be the nicest guy in the world. When we play games, and I teach him silly things like the “Ha-Ha” that Nelson from “The Simpsons” does, I don’t do anything “asshole like” for weeks.
Why can’t guys be assholes around babies? It is because babies are the biggest assholes in the world. Think about it, when you were a baby you got everything you wanted when you cried. You pooped and had someone clean it. You got to suck some titties every time you were cranky and everyone thinks you’re cute no matter what you do. Every guy subconsciously knows he can’t compete with that. Oh, and yes maybe it’s also because they are super cute and you just wannna eat em up with their itty witty chubby faces. So to all you girls that are dealing with asshole guys right now, I have one thing to say to you. In the words of my one year old nephew, “HA-HA” (while pointing finger at you).